Fated Soulmates?

Dear Lynda:
I split up with my ex-fiancé in September. I think about him all the time, which I know is to be expected. My question is regarding what another psychic told me. She said that he is my soul mate and that we are fated to get back together for a while. My ex said he never cheated on me, but I feel like he lied to me about his relationship with another woman. I am seeing someone else now, who seems a better fit. Should I allow my ex into my life in 2006 or just sweep that relationship under the rug, so to speak? How would I ever know if he was unfaithful? Why do I think about him so much when my new love is really good to me?
Alissa, Colorado

Dear Alissa:
It makes total sense to me that your pride might desire proof of your ex's faithfulness. I can't (without his permission) go into whether or not he lied to you, but it appears to me that there were difficulties in your relationship and that lack of trust might have been there all along. I'll just say that I trust your intuition, and I know you're aware (if even on a subtle level) of the truth of the situation. I probably hold a very different view of both "soulmates" and "fate" than the other intuitive you spoke with. I think our soulmates are those who cross our paths and give us kicks to the rear end, which usually push us into other directions. We sometimes don't appreciate our soulmates, because they often do us the great service of providing a cosmic wake-up call. They love us so much on the soul level, that they make us miserable just so we can get the nudge we need. I'm sure your ex falls into that category. If you're happy with your new fellow, I say Yay! I see no reason to drag the past into the future, because (regarding love and romance) your future is looking so bright I've gotta' wear shades (to quote an old song). As you said, it's natural and normal to think about our past relationships. It's unavoidable. There is unexpected good driving around in your neighborhood (metaphorically!). Go out and flag it down. Be happy.
Lynda

Marriage in Crisis

Dear Lynda:
I met my husband when we were both younger. He was 18 and I was 20. We got engaged after 1 year of dating. Everything was so perfect and we were both so happy. Soon after I became pregnant and we had an early wedding and welcomed our first child. This was the result of various pressures and what other people wanted us to do. It seems like after that point, our relationship has been through hell. We have had so many ups and downs, more bad times, then good and so on. We have never actually had a positive relationship on any count, it's like we can never achieve happiness together. When my son was 15 months old I became pregnant again and was plagued with terrible morning sickness ( which later was diagnosed as the disease Hyperemesis Gravidarum). The pregnancy started off wrong and debilitated me 24 hours a day. At my 5 month check up the Doctor sadly told me that my baby had no heartbeat. I had to undergo a D & C to remove the baby. This was very hard for me. My husband suffered in his own way and eventually we were in the pits of hell, so to speak. Our marriage became worse and the blaming started. He blamed me for finances and I blamed him for other things. I am still not over it completely. This lead to a brief separation -- our first and only. But 8 months later we reconciled. For a time we were on the right path and happiness did seem possible. We were trying really hard to make each other happy and be better to each other. Three months after my son had his 3rd birthday, I was pregnant again. We were both happy about it. We were both working and our relationship was rock hard happy. I was even going to school part time to be a licensed massage therapist. The Hyperemesis sickness set in early and put me out of work and school the whole 9 months. I was debilitated the whole time, in and out of hospital stays and required to have a home nurse 4 days a week. I had family members helping to take care of our son. We handled it better this time and my husband helped take care of me while working his full time job. We welcomed our daughter 2 days before my birthday. After we brought her home, our old issues resurfaced and we have been up and down ever sense. We just celebrated our daughter 1st birthday last month. We have so many fights and disagreements -- we both feel trapped. I was very surprised when we celebrated our 5th anniversary. I was not expecting to make it. We have so many issues with each other and there is a different world between us. Last week after a big meltdown my husband told me he was leaving me. After a mental breakdown (for myself) and realizing that I didn't want that, we "patched" things up and have been walking on egg shells. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if we're going to make it or not. My stress is so high and I am sure his is, too.

Today we had a family day and took the kids to the Mall. At the end of the day, I was really aggravated. I wondered to myself if I would really be sad if he left after all. I wondered if this relationship is worth my self worth and mental health. If you ask me what's wrong here, I will automatically tell you it's 80% him. His attitude, selfishness, his god complex and anything else I have problems with. He is not a patient man, and often treats me badly. I am sure he would probably say the same about me. But I do know how much I love him. And sometimes that hurts as well.

Lynda, Is it possible that we might make it after all ? Or should I face the music on what our life together has demonstrated and just accept that this whole marriage was wrong from the get go? Some days it's harder than others to accept the above. He was my first everything, and I am his. Even sexually, I have never been with another man. This whole situation drives me insane every day. I would really appreciate your advice. Thank You.
S.,Florida

Dear S:
I'm so sorry that things are so stressful and unhappy. I can only imagine what it must be like to have two young children and be dealing with heartbreaking problems in your marriage. It probably won't come as any surprise to you that there's no easy answer to your questions. You were both so young when you married and you're still very young. Such incredible pressure on both of you, 24/7. I'll start with the obvious, first. If you haven't already, get yourselves into couples/marriage counseling. In situations like yours, nobody is wrong, so blame (as you well know) is less than helpful. Blame just keeps anything positive from happening. I can see the intensity of your difficulties with each other, and I know (from my own experience) how tempting it is to focus on just ending the marriage -- getting away from the problems. But, you probably know that "no matter where you go, there you are." Leaving the marriage (especially if you two really love each other and that's my sense) would only postpone the issues because you'd each bring similar limitations into the next relationships you create with others. You are definitely in the midst of outrageously hard times. And there might be a few more of those hard times to come. Both of you were forced to become adults before you were ready, and now we want to make sure that it isn't your lovely children who suffer for that. So, I'm going to be an advocate for your children and say that I think it's worth staying together and working through all the miscommunications, disappointments (of self and other), and loss of dreams. There is a happier place for your family on the other side of all this turmoil. You will come through it. Your children deserve to have two loving parents. Yes, of course many children thrive regardless of the state of their parents' marriage. But that is never the ideal. I was a single mom and I run lots of groups for single parents. It's not easy for anyone. If you can't afford counseling, email me and we'll brainstorm how you can get the help you both need. There is too much potential in your marriage for you to end it. Think about what you each might be projecting onto the other and make a decision to face your own fears, insecurities and patterns authentically. Hang on.

One other note. If you aren't intending to have more children, please be very conscious about the issue of birth control. You're not out of the woods yet, so to speak.
Lynda

Trip?

Dear Lynda:
I am wondering about whether I should take this short trip over the weekend, leaving Sat, Jan. 7. I've had these nagging feelings over the last couple weeks and can't quite put my finger on it.
I'm just flying to St. Louis to be with some friends and their dogs and puppies. During the time that we were planning this trip my girlfriend's husband, age 53, passed away suddenly. I thought maybe this wasn't a good time to go but my other girlfriend said yes, Marla still wanted us to come. I'm a single parent, very close to my 12-year-old daughter and my 2 dogs. My ex-husband is a recovering alcoholic and I have had trust issues with him in the past but he has done quite well in the last few years. My mother passed away in 1999 and I still miss her greatly. I know I have loss issues. And it has been difficult for me to leave in the past, and things have happened with my ex-husband/daughter when I have been gone. Is it just my sense of being away and not in the immediate area that is bothering me or is there some other reason I should stay home. Thanks for any insights.
Lynn, Colorado

Dear Lynn:
First, I see nothing that concerns me about your trip. There seems to be benefit for you. The only thing I notice is that there is resistance (on your part) about the idea of it. I now wonder if you truly wish to go? Are you going because others wish you to go? Does it sound like great fun to you? If you're going because you want to please others, but your heart/mind isn't in it, the trip won't be as pleasant as it might be. And, if you go and you don't want to, more anger that you're holding inside will leak out. The only problem I'm aware of lies in the mental realm. Nothing "outside" is a problem. So, I wonder if you'll decide to go? If so, have a wonderful trip.
Lynda

At The Crossroads

Hi Lynda:
I had been a controlling person, quick to get angry and criticize, and those negative behaviors affected my marriage. My husband and I, who were together for 18 years, separated. He told me that he has lost his self identity and felt that he could no longer trust me because of my tendencies to be verbally abusive when stressed and fearful. I'm not sure how much responsibility he has taken for his part in not communicating to me in a way that I could understand how much it was hurting him through the years (and I probably wasn't listening, or discounted or made fun of him). I know he and I still love each other, but am not sure about whether either one of us is still "in love". With a therapist, I now understand what triggers the stress and fears, and am working hard to correct those behaviors, and go with the flow.

I would greatly appreciate it if you have any intuitive insights and can tell me if I should let him go and have closure, and look forward to a new life journey, or if I should be patient, working on rebuilding his trust, and "maybe" repair the relationship. I feel that I am at a crossroads in life, and am not sure what to do. Is the "lesson" in this life with my husband finished, should I continue on my journey to another life lesson with someone else down the road? Sometimes I feel that my purpose is to move on emotionally and mentally, but my mind and heart keep being called back as if there is unfinished business. So, I sometimes feel so confused and overwhelmed that I have little energy or focus. The instability has also affected my confidence in my career path, and I am not sure what to do next. I would appreciate any insight you could provide.
H, Colorado

Dear H:
This is a challenging and exciting point in your life. I'm very proud of you that you allowed your newly-acquired self-knowledge to become a healing tool rather than a knife you punish yourself with. You mentioned that you sometimes feel your purpose is to move on, yet your mind and heart tell you there is unfinished business with your husband. What I see often is another possibility: the urge to stretch -- to leap into the unknown -- is energizing and terrifying. The moment we courageously begin the thought process that might move us into fearful territory (that which we haven't experienced before), Fear steps in and tells us whatever it takes to keep us standing still. I think it might not be your mind and heart, but rather the parts of you that stand guard at the edges of the familiar. What if you don't have to make any decisions about this? What if you can take whatever steps feel good in the moment, and trust that your desires (for growth, love, acceptance, warmth, etc.) will attract the people, experiences and situations that are in vibrational harmony with those deep desires? As you become more of who you truly are, and your husband does the same, you'll either be drawn together like magnets or pushed apart. You can absolutely trust that. My vision of you is that you're standing at the bottom of a beautiful mountain -- a mountain you attracted from your intentions, beliefs, desires, etc. -- but you are having difficulty taking the next steps because Fear is holding onto both your ankles. Take a moment to imagine what this manifestation of Fear might look like. How big is it? What color? Is it so huge it blocks out the sun? Why not sit down there on the path, look Fear in the eyes, and tell it you're willing to listen to what it has to tell you. Make friends with it. Let it utilize its tremendous power for you rather than against you. It is scary to start over. I recommend that you wake up every morning and -- regardless of who else is with you -- you make decisions based on joy. You can't think about Fear and Joy at the same time. Choose one. I think you haven't quite found your career path yet, but something wonderfully unexpected is about to arrive to give you new information. This will be a very good year.
Lynda

The Joy of Turmoil

Dear Lynda:
I am in a phase of radical changes. An astrologer friend says that my husband and I both have a simultaneous Pluto Transit happening, which is a 5 year period of total change -- obviously true! Being in the turmoil, it's hard for me to see my own way clearly.... can you help? My marriage is undergoing changes in the way we interact, but I believe it's worth staying together. My holistic health practice has slowed down due to a serious injury I sustained, so I wrote a wonderful book while I was out of commission. I got an agent & have sent it to 4 publishers. I'm now starting up a little company to sell products that I believe are important for people to have access to. And I can't get away from the feeling that I'm being called to New Zealand! I had an earthshaking dream about moving there twelve years ago. We visited NZ a couple years ago, and fell in love with it. But I'm not sure if it's an escapist fantasy, or if it's in the process of manifesting. This is a mixed bag of questions, and I have plenty more unspoken, but I'm hoping you might help me with some clarity. The quantity and intensity of changes is clouding up my own perceptions, at this point.
Confused, Western USA

Dear Confused:
Let me give you some general impressions first, then I'll go back and contemplate the individual issues. You are in a time of great positive movement. I wouldn't necessarily describe it as turmoil (but I'm sure it can feel that way). More like the excitement that happens when the rollercoaster car crests the big hill: You're screaming, but you don't know if you're screaming from fear, excitement, joy or insanity. The wheel (the big, metaphorical one) is turning and powerful "yes" energy is flying toward you. In general, your ideas all bear healthy fruit. Money flows in with an even more delightful ease. I often ask clients to imagine they are on their death beds -- experiencing their last day of life in this incarnation. What would be important? What could be released? What doesn't matter? What does? Whose rules apply? Whose voice in your head can now be ignored? I ask these questions because I see indications of dissonant beliefs. Wants/desires versus shoulds. Your mention of your dream of going to NZ and wondering if it's "an escapist fantasy" is a good example. I'm going to fudge here, because I'm not sure if I don't see you moving out of the USA because you really don't want to, or if your conflicting beliefs are keeping you frozen in fear. One visual is clear for me regarding your situation: The world is dancing right outside your door, calling to you, singing mystical songs -- and you have lots of locks on that door. Each lock was installed for a good reason (some conscious, some unconscious), but the fear really doesn't need to be there. Unless you want it to remain. The good news is that if you can spend more time imagining the joy, bliss and fabulousness of living in the best place for you (and you can trust the universe to fill in the details), you will find the way being cleared for you. One word about your book and publishing/writing in general: here again I see some dissonant ideas/beliefs. Confusion is developing and you might receive news you'd rather not hear. But don't despair. The moment you let go of needing the process to be any certain way, an even better deal will slide in the side window. Your next couple of years is about trusting, accepting and celebrating yourself. There's no reason to make a change in your marriage. Keep me posted!
Lynda