Marriage in Crisis
Dear Lynda:
I met my husband when we were both younger. He was 18 and I was 20. We got engaged after 1 year of dating. Everything was so perfect and we were both so happy. Soon after I became pregnant and we had an early wedding and welcomed our first child. This was the result of various pressures and what other people wanted us to do. It seems like after that point, our relationship has been through hell. We have had so many ups and downs, more bad times, then good and so on. We have never actually had a positive relationship on any count, it's like we can never achieve happiness together. When my son was 15 months old I became pregnant again and was plagued with terrible morning sickness ( which later was diagnosed as the disease Hyperemesis Gravidarum). The pregnancy started off wrong and debilitated me 24 hours a day. At my 5 month check up the Doctor sadly told me that my baby had no heartbeat. I had to undergo a D & C to remove the baby. This was very hard for me. My husband suffered in his own way and eventually we were in the pits of hell, so to speak. Our marriage became worse and the blaming started. He blamed me for finances and I blamed him for other things. I am still not over it completely. This lead to a brief separation -- our first and only. But 8 months later we reconciled. For a time we were on the right path and happiness did seem possible. We were trying really hard to make each other happy and be better to each other. Three months after my son had his 3rd birthday, I was pregnant again. We were both happy about it. We were both working and our relationship was rock hard happy. I was even going to school part time to be a licensed massage therapist. The Hyperemesis sickness set in early and put me out of work and school the whole 9 months. I was debilitated the whole time, in and out of hospital stays and required to have a home nurse 4 days a week. I had family members helping to take care of our son. We handled it better this time and my husband helped take care of me while working his full time job. We welcomed our daughter 2 days before my birthday. After we brought her home, our old issues resurfaced and we have been up and down ever sense. We just celebrated our daughter 1st birthday last month. We have so many fights and disagreements -- we both feel trapped. I was very surprised when we celebrated our 5th anniversary. I was not expecting to make it. We have so many issues with each other and there is a different world between us. Last week after a big meltdown my husband told me he was leaving me. After a mental breakdown (for myself) and realizing that I didn't want that, we "patched" things up and have been walking on egg shells. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if we're going to make it or not. My stress is so high and I am sure his is, too.
Today we had a family day and took the kids to the Mall. At the end of the day, I was really aggravated. I wondered to myself if I would really be sad if he left after all. I wondered if this relationship is worth my self worth and mental health. If you ask me what's wrong here, I will automatically tell you it's 80% him. His attitude, selfishness, his god complex and anything else I have problems with. He is not a patient man, and often treats me badly. I am sure he would probably say the same about me. But I do know how much I love him. And sometimes that hurts as well.
Lynda, Is it possible that we might make it after all ? Or should I face the music on what our life together has demonstrated and just accept that this whole marriage was wrong from the get go? Some days it's harder than others to accept the above. He was my first everything, and I am his. Even sexually, I have never been with another man. This whole situation drives me insane every day. I would really appreciate your advice. Thank You.
S.,Florida
Dear S:
I'm so sorry that things are so stressful and unhappy. I can only imagine what it must be like to have two young children and be dealing with heartbreaking problems in your marriage. It probably won't come as any surprise to you that there's no easy answer to your questions. You were both so young when you married and you're still very young. Such incredible pressure on both of you, 24/7. I'll start with the obvious, first. If you haven't already, get yourselves into couples/marriage counseling. In situations like yours, nobody is wrong, so blame (as you well know) is less than helpful. Blame just keeps anything positive from happening. I can see the intensity of your difficulties with each other, and I know (from my own experience) how tempting it is to focus on just ending the marriage -- getting away from the problems. But, you probably know that "no matter where you go, there you are." Leaving the marriage (especially if you two really love each other and that's my sense) would only postpone the issues because you'd each bring similar limitations into the next relationships you create with others. You are definitely in the midst of outrageously hard times. And there might be a few more of those hard times to come. Both of you were forced to become adults before you were ready, and now we want to make sure that it isn't your lovely children who suffer for that. So, I'm going to be an advocate for your children and say that I think it's worth staying together and working through all the miscommunications, disappointments (of self and other), and loss of dreams. There is a happier place for your family on the other side of all this turmoil. You will come through it. Your children deserve to have two loving parents. Yes, of course many children thrive regardless of the state of their parents' marriage. But that is never the ideal. I was a single mom and I run lots of groups for single parents. It's not easy for anyone. If you can't afford counseling, email me and we'll brainstorm how you can get the help you both need. There is too much potential in your marriage for you to end it. Think about what you each might be projecting onto the other and make a decision to face your own fears, insecurities and patterns authentically. Hang on.
One other note. If you aren't intending to have more children, please be very conscious about the issue of birth control. You're not out of the woods yet, so to speak.
Lynda
I met my husband when we were both younger. He was 18 and I was 20. We got engaged after 1 year of dating. Everything was so perfect and we were both so happy. Soon after I became pregnant and we had an early wedding and welcomed our first child. This was the result of various pressures and what other people wanted us to do. It seems like after that point, our relationship has been through hell. We have had so many ups and downs, more bad times, then good and so on. We have never actually had a positive relationship on any count, it's like we can never achieve happiness together. When my son was 15 months old I became pregnant again and was plagued with terrible morning sickness ( which later was diagnosed as the disease Hyperemesis Gravidarum). The pregnancy started off wrong and debilitated me 24 hours a day. At my 5 month check up the Doctor sadly told me that my baby had no heartbeat. I had to undergo a D & C to remove the baby. This was very hard for me. My husband suffered in his own way and eventually we were in the pits of hell, so to speak. Our marriage became worse and the blaming started. He blamed me for finances and I blamed him for other things. I am still not over it completely. This lead to a brief separation -- our first and only. But 8 months later we reconciled. For a time we were on the right path and happiness did seem possible. We were trying really hard to make each other happy and be better to each other. Three months after my son had his 3rd birthday, I was pregnant again. We were both happy about it. We were both working and our relationship was rock hard happy. I was even going to school part time to be a licensed massage therapist. The Hyperemesis sickness set in early and put me out of work and school the whole 9 months. I was debilitated the whole time, in and out of hospital stays and required to have a home nurse 4 days a week. I had family members helping to take care of our son. We handled it better this time and my husband helped take care of me while working his full time job. We welcomed our daughter 2 days before my birthday. After we brought her home, our old issues resurfaced and we have been up and down ever sense. We just celebrated our daughter 1st birthday last month. We have so many fights and disagreements -- we both feel trapped. I was very surprised when we celebrated our 5th anniversary. I was not expecting to make it. We have so many issues with each other and there is a different world between us. Last week after a big meltdown my husband told me he was leaving me. After a mental breakdown (for myself) and realizing that I didn't want that, we "patched" things up and have been walking on egg shells. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if we're going to make it or not. My stress is so high and I am sure his is, too.
Today we had a family day and took the kids to the Mall. At the end of the day, I was really aggravated. I wondered to myself if I would really be sad if he left after all. I wondered if this relationship is worth my self worth and mental health. If you ask me what's wrong here, I will automatically tell you it's 80% him. His attitude, selfishness, his god complex and anything else I have problems with. He is not a patient man, and often treats me badly. I am sure he would probably say the same about me. But I do know how much I love him. And sometimes that hurts as well.
Lynda, Is it possible that we might make it after all ? Or should I face the music on what our life together has demonstrated and just accept that this whole marriage was wrong from the get go? Some days it's harder than others to accept the above. He was my first everything, and I am his. Even sexually, I have never been with another man. This whole situation drives me insane every day. I would really appreciate your advice. Thank You.
S.,Florida
Dear S:
I'm so sorry that things are so stressful and unhappy. I can only imagine what it must be like to have two young children and be dealing with heartbreaking problems in your marriage. It probably won't come as any surprise to you that there's no easy answer to your questions. You were both so young when you married and you're still very young. Such incredible pressure on both of you, 24/7. I'll start with the obvious, first. If you haven't already, get yourselves into couples/marriage counseling. In situations like yours, nobody is wrong, so blame (as you well know) is less than helpful. Blame just keeps anything positive from happening. I can see the intensity of your difficulties with each other, and I know (from my own experience) how tempting it is to focus on just ending the marriage -- getting away from the problems. But, you probably know that "no matter where you go, there you are." Leaving the marriage (especially if you two really love each other and that's my sense) would only postpone the issues because you'd each bring similar limitations into the next relationships you create with others. You are definitely in the midst of outrageously hard times. And there might be a few more of those hard times to come. Both of you were forced to become adults before you were ready, and now we want to make sure that it isn't your lovely children who suffer for that. So, I'm going to be an advocate for your children and say that I think it's worth staying together and working through all the miscommunications, disappointments (of self and other), and loss of dreams. There is a happier place for your family on the other side of all this turmoil. You will come through it. Your children deserve to have two loving parents. Yes, of course many children thrive regardless of the state of their parents' marriage. But that is never the ideal. I was a single mom and I run lots of groups for single parents. It's not easy for anyone. If you can't afford counseling, email me and we'll brainstorm how you can get the help you both need. There is too much potential in your marriage for you to end it. Think about what you each might be projecting onto the other and make a decision to face your own fears, insecurities and patterns authentically. Hang on.
One other note. If you aren't intending to have more children, please be very conscious about the issue of birth control. You're not out of the woods yet, so to speak.
Lynda
posted by Lynda Hilburn @ 2:44 PM
<< Home