At The Crossroads

Hi Lynda:
I had been a controlling person, quick to get angry and criticize, and those negative behaviors affected my marriage. My husband and I, who were together for 18 years, separated. He told me that he has lost his self identity and felt that he could no longer trust me because of my tendencies to be verbally abusive when stressed and fearful. I'm not sure how much responsibility he has taken for his part in not communicating to me in a way that I could understand how much it was hurting him through the years (and I probably wasn't listening, or discounted or made fun of him). I know he and I still love each other, but am not sure about whether either one of us is still "in love". With a therapist, I now understand what triggers the stress and fears, and am working hard to correct those behaviors, and go with the flow.

I would greatly appreciate it if you have any intuitive insights and can tell me if I should let him go and have closure, and look forward to a new life journey, or if I should be patient, working on rebuilding his trust, and "maybe" repair the relationship. I feel that I am at a crossroads in life, and am not sure what to do. Is the "lesson" in this life with my husband finished, should I continue on my journey to another life lesson with someone else down the road? Sometimes I feel that my purpose is to move on emotionally and mentally, but my mind and heart keep being called back as if there is unfinished business. So, I sometimes feel so confused and overwhelmed that I have little energy or focus. The instability has also affected my confidence in my career path, and I am not sure what to do next. I would appreciate any insight you could provide.
H, Colorado

Dear H:
This is a challenging and exciting point in your life. I'm very proud of you that you allowed your newly-acquired self-knowledge to become a healing tool rather than a knife you punish yourself with. You mentioned that you sometimes feel your purpose is to move on, yet your mind and heart tell you there is unfinished business with your husband. What I see often is another possibility: the urge to stretch -- to leap into the unknown -- is energizing and terrifying. The moment we courageously begin the thought process that might move us into fearful territory (that which we haven't experienced before), Fear steps in and tells us whatever it takes to keep us standing still. I think it might not be your mind and heart, but rather the parts of you that stand guard at the edges of the familiar. What if you don't have to make any decisions about this? What if you can take whatever steps feel good in the moment, and trust that your desires (for growth, love, acceptance, warmth, etc.) will attract the people, experiences and situations that are in vibrational harmony with those deep desires? As you become more of who you truly are, and your husband does the same, you'll either be drawn together like magnets or pushed apart. You can absolutely trust that. My vision of you is that you're standing at the bottom of a beautiful mountain -- a mountain you attracted from your intentions, beliefs, desires, etc. -- but you are having difficulty taking the next steps because Fear is holding onto both your ankles. Take a moment to imagine what this manifestation of Fear might look like. How big is it? What color? Is it so huge it blocks out the sun? Why not sit down there on the path, look Fear in the eyes, and tell it you're willing to listen to what it has to tell you. Make friends with it. Let it utilize its tremendous power for you rather than against you. It is scary to start over. I recommend that you wake up every morning and -- regardless of who else is with you -- you make decisions based on joy. You can't think about Fear and Joy at the same time. Choose one. I think you haven't quite found your career path yet, but something wonderfully unexpected is about to arrive to give you new information. This will be a very good year.
Lynda