Painful Pattern

Dear Lynda:
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me four months ago, and she has a boyfriend now. She broke up with me because she told me she is straight and doesn't want to end up with a woman, but I think it was because of this guy. I still think about her a lot and feel deep down that I still love her, even though I know she's moved on already. How can I stop hoping she'll come back to me? How can I get over her?
B, Vacaville, CA

Dear B:
One of the hardest things to deal with when we break up with a love partner is facing that the pain we feel has nothing to do with the other person, and has everything to do with something within ourselves. No matter how fixated we are on the other person, she/he is only a symbol for an old pain -- a piece of unfinished business -- a familiar pattern, deep inside us. It doesn't really matter what reason this woman gave you for moving on. It isn't important what her sexual orientation is. What matters is that you (not consciously) chose a person who couldn't be there for you. A person you never allowed yourself to see clearly. A person who is acting out an old emotional situation for you. In general, your beliefs ARE your reality. So, instead of focusing on anything about her (honest, it has nothing to do with her), explore what underlying pattern is playing out here. What beliefs are being manifested? If you don't understand why you create these things, you'll do it again. And, I suspect you're getting tired of that, yes?
Lynda

Natural Sensory Radar

Dear Lynda:
What do you think it means when I'm thinking about someone, or a place where I had an experience with someone, and that person happens to call at that time or a moment after? I wonder about the same situation with my random thoughts. Maybe the person walks in front of me while I'm waiting at a light in my car. It could be as random as a person I served an ice cream cone to in my high school job that made an impression on me for whatever reason. I hadn't thought about that person for 15 years, and the next thing I know I've remembered that exchange and an hour later I see them. It can also be as complicated as a close family member being hurt and my knowing it. These types of things happen to me more and more frequently. In the past year, it's happened at least once a week. Before then, enough for me to notice, and to wonder about it. I have an uneasy feeling about this.
Susan, Wichita, KS

Dear Susan:
What you're experiencing is absolutely, completely, totally, 100% normal. It's even mundane. Despite the fearful claims made by various others, we are much more than our 5 senses. Being able to sense the connections between people, things, etc., is normal. It doesn't require any special gifts or abilities. It is hardwired into all of us. And how marvelous! Somehow, in spite of your concerns, you've remained open to information coming to you from various energetic/vibrational levels. I take all that for granted. The universe gives us signals constantly. The thing that repeats 3 times (it repeats 3 times for me because that's my expectation), or a bumper sticker on the car in front of me, or a wisp of a memory from the past, or a familiar aroma -- all those things are constantly available to us. There's nothing odd, unnatural, or of concern. You must be sending out an invitation to the universe, allowing expanded information to come to you. Your choice. Many times, someone will pop into my head because I'm temporarily in a similar vibrational pattern (I'm giving attention to something that has a similar resonance) to the one I experienced around/with that person. And, like sending a cosmic "instant message," that person's unconscious receives the resonance, as well. Often, it flies below their radar, so they don't sense anything. It doesn't mean that anything in particular is supposed to happen because we've sensed that person, etc. It's just what our sensing system does. For example, experiencing memories and/or running into an old boyfriend, wouldn't necessarily mean the two of you are destined to be together. It would mean that something about your current experience is energetically similar to the one the two of you shared. I love this stuff!! So, I'd advise you to do it on purpose more so it can get stronger! Why not have access to 90% of what our conscious minds can't pick up?
Lynda

Nurse in Transition

Dear Lynda:
I'm currently seeking advice as I'm job hunting after being laid off about six months ago. I'm trying to remain confident and hopeful. I'm a nurse and need to find my next job ASAP. I have so many bills. I hope this is my life path -- helping others. What's next for me? Also, I have a male friend who I got a little closer to over the past several months. I have feelings for him, however I only see him at one particular dance club. When I go (occasionally), he's so happy to see me and we end up talking, laughing, dancing and enjoying each others' company. However, outside the club he never contacts me. I did tell him that it would be nice if he just called to say "hi," no pressure. He says I want to get married, and that's the reason we can't go out. I told him that I have so much on my plate and I'm not looking for marriage right now. I said we could just spend time together because we enjoy each other, with no strings attached. When I do see him, he makes me happy. I just don't understand where he's coming from. I'm also a single parent of a freshman in college. He's a good kid going through changes. I wonder how things are going to work out for him? Life is interesting, isn't it?
Kim, NY, NY

Dear Kim:
You're in the midst of great change. Change is good, but it can feel overwhelming. Especially if it means letting go of some comfortable, old ideas. Let me deal with job/money first. It seems that you might have some limiting notions about how successful and prosperous you can actually be. A lot of heart-centered, care-giving types of women believe service and money can't exist happily together. That's one thing that's happening for you. You don't seem to be able to imagine an expanded job description, and since the old work doesn't fit you quite as well anymore, you have a dilemma. I have many nurses as clients, and I've listened to them over the years as they radically redefined what nursing means to them. New options exist and I've watched them create their own reality about employment, rather than trying to fit themselves into the tiny slots that other people have to offer them. Money will continue to be a problem until you expand the possibilities of how it can come to you. You might find my guided hypnotherapy CD (Manifesting Prosperity) helpful. Your fear is keeping you from claiming your next, courageous step. About the fellow at the dance club: He's being very honest with you. Not only is he unwilling to have a committed, serious relationship with anyone, he does intuit that you want more than he can deliver. He's right about you. You do want a marriage-type commitment. It's perfectly OK for you to want what you want and to honestly acknowledge that for yourself. It's also perfectly OK that he can't be that for you. What he gives you at the club is all there is for him to give. You will drive yourself nuts if you project your desires on him. Contemplate gathering the courage to allow someone with all his good qualities, plus the ability to make a commitment, to be attracted into your life. Right now you're sending out mixed messages. Regarding your son: Have a chat with him. He needs some guidance right now. He's about to make a poor decision.
Lynda

Filled With Self-Doubts

Dear Lynda:
I have been married for about 19 years to a man named "John." I have 2 children and family has always been very important to me. Well, over the years, John has been manipulative and selfish. Coming from the background I did, I couldn't really recognize what was happening. I have always been depressed on and off over the years during my marriage, but was always kind of led to believe there was something wrong with me. "I just wasn't thinking straight." I always accepted that I was the problem and gave and gave to my husband to always make sure his environment was providing him contentment and pleasure. My feelings never seemed to matter. I always kept them on the back burner and John helped me to do that. Anyhow, the past five years or so -- through self-growth, counseling, and people who have come and gone in my life -- I finally realized all I have missed out on. All the self-sacrifice I made, never being loved as I should be, etc. In my heart I really want to leave this marriage and continue to discover who I am. John has tried to change some and he has, but it hasn't changed the way I feel. I can't love him and the intimacy is gone, although I don't think it was ever there. It was just another "thing" I did to please him. I want to experience love as it was meant to be, but I'm dragging my feet. I still feel responsible for him and his feelings. I'm scared to walk out the door and the guilt is eating me up. Depression is at an all-time high, and I often would rather die myself than hurt other people. I don't know what to do, or if I can ever gain the strength to follow my heart's desire. I fear this is not going to end well. What if I'm wrong, and I have been the crazy one? Any insight would mean so much to me.
Kathryn, Denver, CO

Dear Kathryn:
If you still feel responsible for your husband and his feelings, then both of you are still keeping the pattern alive. It always takes both people to continue a particular outcome. Human nature being what it is, it isn't likely that your husband -- the person in the relationship who is receiving the benefit of the other person's "self-sacrifice" -- will take steps to actively change. What would be the payoff for that, since he's getting his needs met? And the one who is doing the "self-sacrifice" is actually getting something out of the arrangement, too. Perhaps you are just so used to feeling bad that staying in this relationship allows you to continue to feel "normal." (Miserable, but normal.) You should remember that no matter where you go, there you are. That means that unless you understand (and I'm sure you're in the process of understanding) that you are responsible for the life you've created for yourself (it really is absolutely true that your beliefs ARE your reality) you'll recreate it again and again. You'll simply replace this husband with someone else who can stimulate your unconscious patterns. Unless -- you face yourself squarely, take full ownership of your own role (no matter how we try, we simply don't have the power to take responsibility for anyone else's choices, behaviors, feelings, thoughts, etc., and it's actually very controlling of us when we try to do that) and make courageous new choices. That courageous new choice might start out being that you let go completely of thinking anyone else holds the key to your experience of love. What if you completely made yourself happy right this moment? What if you were so concerned (yes, we women are told that focusing on ourselves is "selfish," but it isn't. That's a lie.) about your own joy that you simply began to spill joy over onto everyone around you, without you needing to be in control of that? What if you could trust that the wisest part of yourself really knows what she's doing? What if you fully understood that depression usually has at its core a conflicting belief -- a desire that isn't being met? It's another way you re-abandon yourself. We women are notorious for shutting ourselves down with depression when we believe we can't have what we want. Well, nobody else is in charge of whether or not you can have what you want. Perception is everything. You are capable of being blissfully happy in the midst of the life you've already created, and then, as you are blissful, your life becomes even more a reflection of that. And you might even attract people who are capable of joining you in that bliss. That means you'll have to let go of needing to control your husband's (or anyone's) reality. It's scary to let go. Are you ready?
Lynda