Heartbroken

Dear Lynda:
I was told on Friday by the man I've had a relationship with for the last seven years that he has been seeing someone else for the last six weeks. The woman he's seeing is married. He said he loves me, but he's not in love with me right now. He feels that he's falling in love with this married woman. Then he tells me he's broken and needs to be fixed. He called me on Monday and asked how I was doing. I said, "How do you think I'm doing? I'm at a loss here." I'm so heartbroken that I can't eat or sleep. How long do I wait to see if this is just an infatuation or if our relationship is really over? I need advice, please.
Kathy
Denver, CO

Dear Kathy:
I can only imagine how hurt you are. Betrayal of trust is a heart-wrenching pain. I'm afraid I won't be able to say much that will give you hope about this relationship. Let me ask gently if you've given any thought yet to the signs you've missed along the way? The other things this person has done that you didn't want to see? This feels like a longer, deeper issue than just something that has emerged over the last six weeks. I suspect that, if you really ask yourself honestly, you know that. Let's take the focus away from this man for a moment, and discuss this in general. On some level, you've asked for change. For growth. For depth. Continuing to hide in the status quo will not allow you to achieve those things. Refusing to see this man as he truly is won't create the life you want. You are at a crossroads. You must choose. You must act and not just react. It doesn't matter how long this man romances the married woman. All that matters is that he was deeply dishonest with you and that is his nature. He is dishonest with himself. If you stay, frozen in fear, waiting for him to come to his senses you'll be disappointed. Not only is he untrustworthy, but he'll show you that again and again. If you value yourself so little, nothing good can happen. If you are willing to walk through the fire and let this man go, something so much better is on the other side. You deserve more.
Lynda

Relationship with a Married Man

Dear Lynda:
I visited you for counseling about six years ago. It's hard to believe it's been so long! At that time, I was pregnant and in a difficult marriage. I am now divorced, have a beautiful 5-year-old child and am much happier. My primary question is about a relationship and what it means in my life. I was involved with a man for about a year, and it was a very exciting, passionate and happy time for me. However, unfortunately, this person is married. Of course, I felt quite guilty about that, but at the same time I felt extremely happy with him. We have been estranged for about a year and recently started communicating again, just a little. I know it's not good to be involved with someone who is committed elsewhere. So, I'm wondering why I have such strong feelings for him? Why is he in my life? Will he ever be a permanent part of my life? Is he inherently good or bad? I just can't tell. And, if not him, is there anyone else who could come into my life in the near future? Thank you very much.
Ann
Denver, CO

Dear Ann:
I wish I could tell you that this man's inappropriate behavior (not to let you off the hook for your part, but he is the married one) would change if he was your mate instead of someone else's. He is who he is. It isn't that he's inherently bad and unable to change -- we do have the ability to make new choices moment to moment, day to day -- but the patterns we establish with our repeated behaviors can seem like a raging torrent, helpless to change direction. I have to wonder what it is about this man that you used as your excuse to feel good, because he seems emotionally troubled to me. So, all I can tell you is that he has shown you how he behaves -- what he values and what he doesn't -- and he will treat you the same way he's treating his current spouse. He is in your life because there is an unhealthy part of you that he is in resonance with. Interestingly, if you don't open the door to this tired old pattern (your pattern -- as you are both participants in this unhealthy dance), you'll find that someone new is going to enter your life. Whatever life transition you are in the midst of will continue to prod you in a resisted, but desired, direction and a new man will join your journey. The universe is a juicy, luscious, abundant banquet. Don't settle for crumbs.

Allowing Her Good

Hi, Lynda:
It was nice to find you on your website -- we haven't spoken in some time. I have been presented with an opportunity to make a change, and as far as I can tell, I should say "yes" to the opportunity. But I still have little niggling doubts, which I think are a product of my own old fear of failure. I don't know if you will wish to answer my question, but I'll ask it and leave it for you to decide. As you may recall, four years ago I was laid off from my well-paying job. Since then I have completely re-evaluated what I want to do with my life, and the short version is that I discovered that I love art, particularly art quilts and fiber art. I have spent a lot of time taking classes and teaching myself skills. I have also gone back to my love of language, and plan to support myself by making fiber art to sell and by copy editing (in English) and translation (from Portuguese to English). It has taken me a long time to come to this point, and I have not brought in much income at all in four years. My husband has supported me financially and been my cheerleader the entire time, although I believe at a cost to himself. And we are in debt more than we would like to be, because of a lack of work for both of us since the economy has been slow. I have been chafing under space constraints for my art work, because I have nowhere to "make a mess" with my fabric painting and dyeing, and other things I want to try out. Since I am not making any money, I don't feel I can commit to paying much rent for a place. But I feel that if I had room to grow, I could actually accomplish something artistically and financially. I recently met a man who buys houses, renovates them and rents them out. He has offered to remodel part of a garage in one of his rentals, to become an artist's studio. He says he wants to make beautiful things, and I have seen some of his work in renovation. He cares about details and quality. He is willing to allow me to pay for 25% of the rent in trade and the rest in cash. Everything about this situation is very tempting: I would have plenty of space in which to grow, my dog would be allowed to be with me, the landlord is supportive of artists. My problem: I am afraid of committing to it because I don't have any work coming in and I don't want to dig us further into a financial hole. I am so used to not making money that I actually believe I never will again. This is a silly and destructive belief, I know. I have been teaching myself to do tarot readings for myself, and although I am sure I miss many important connections yet at my neophyte stage, I have found the exercise to always be helpful to me. Even if I don't understand something one day, later it becomes clear to me what I should think about that particular message. The cards seem to be telling me that if I take this studio, I will be able to afford it if I work diligently. I would work there primarily on the art work, and do most of the language work at home, although there would be some crossover. Can you shed some light on this situation? Should I say yes to this opportunity, or should I just find a way to work in my little space at home for a while? At this point I am thinking I will say yes, and trust that if it isn't meant to be, the universe will close the door as the answer. Thanks Lynda.
Hopeful Artist, Colorado

Dear Hopeful: It's great to hear from you. I have to say I'm so excited that you are moving in so many wonderful directions: art, Tarot, and reclaiming your expertise with languages. I think that's always been one of your most unique and special contributions to the world. I trust that you will follow your own intuitive guidance, but I'm happy to give you my impressions about your questions. My immediate feeling was that I wanted you to say no to the fellow with the renovations. Not that he or the idea is bad. Something about the timing is off and the pressure I fear you would put on yourself makes me want to ask you to reconsider. And, actually, this isn't the best offer. Or, even the best offer he can make to you. If you can connect with the expansive part of yourself -- the part that knows you can create money with all your gifts, abilities, etc. -- other opportunities to have an art space will come in. It might not be until August or thereafter, but I clearly see a less encumbered option. And something about the current offer feels heavier than it should on the surface. It is possible for you to have a straight trade or barter and not have to pay any money-type rent at all. Imagine yourself in an artist space where the other portion of the space is used by another artist or artists. I see that as a strong possibility. You might consider the following positive statement/suggestion/affirmation: I am now courageously willing to accept abundance. I now joyfully surrender to the good that is mine. Please keep me posted.
Lynda