Relationship with a Married Man
Dear Lynda:
I visited you for counseling about six years ago. It's hard to believe it's been so long! At that time, I was pregnant and in a difficult marriage. I am now divorced, have a beautiful 5-year-old child and am much happier. My primary question is about a relationship and what it means in my life. I was involved with a man for about a year, and it was a very exciting, passionate and happy time for me. However, unfortunately, this person is married. Of course, I felt quite guilty about that, but at the same time I felt extremely happy with him. We have been estranged for about a year and recently started communicating again, just a little. I know it's not good to be involved with someone who is committed elsewhere. So, I'm wondering why I have such strong feelings for him? Why is he in my life? Will he ever be a permanent part of my life? Is he inherently good or bad? I just can't tell. And, if not him, is there anyone else who could come into my life in the near future? Thank you very much.
Ann
Denver, CO
Dear Ann:
I wish I could tell you that this man's inappropriate behavior (not to let you off the hook for your part, but he is the married one) would change if he was your mate instead of someone else's. He is who he is. It isn't that he's inherently bad and unable to change -- we do have the ability to make new choices moment to moment, day to day -- but the patterns we establish with our repeated behaviors can seem like a raging torrent, helpless to change direction. I have to wonder what it is about this man that you used as your excuse to feel good, because he seems emotionally troubled to me. So, all I can tell you is that he has shown you how he behaves -- what he values and what he doesn't -- and he will treat you the same way he's treating his current spouse. He is in your life because there is an unhealthy part of you that he is in resonance with. Interestingly, if you don't open the door to this tired old pattern (your pattern -- as you are both participants in this unhealthy dance), you'll find that someone new is going to enter your life. Whatever life transition you are in the midst of will continue to prod you in a resisted, but desired, direction and a new man will join your journey. The universe is a juicy, luscious, abundant banquet. Don't settle for crumbs.
I visited you for counseling about six years ago. It's hard to believe it's been so long! At that time, I was pregnant and in a difficult marriage. I am now divorced, have a beautiful 5-year-old child and am much happier. My primary question is about a relationship and what it means in my life. I was involved with a man for about a year, and it was a very exciting, passionate and happy time for me. However, unfortunately, this person is married. Of course, I felt quite guilty about that, but at the same time I felt extremely happy with him. We have been estranged for about a year and recently started communicating again, just a little. I know it's not good to be involved with someone who is committed elsewhere. So, I'm wondering why I have such strong feelings for him? Why is he in my life? Will he ever be a permanent part of my life? Is he inherently good or bad? I just can't tell. And, if not him, is there anyone else who could come into my life in the near future? Thank you very much.
Ann
Denver, CO
Dear Ann:
I wish I could tell you that this man's inappropriate behavior (not to let you off the hook for your part, but he is the married one) would change if he was your mate instead of someone else's. He is who he is. It isn't that he's inherently bad and unable to change -- we do have the ability to make new choices moment to moment, day to day -- but the patterns we establish with our repeated behaviors can seem like a raging torrent, helpless to change direction. I have to wonder what it is about this man that you used as your excuse to feel good, because he seems emotionally troubled to me. So, all I can tell you is that he has shown you how he behaves -- what he values and what he doesn't -- and he will treat you the same way he's treating his current spouse. He is in your life because there is an unhealthy part of you that he is in resonance with. Interestingly, if you don't open the door to this tired old pattern (your pattern -- as you are both participants in this unhealthy dance), you'll find that someone new is going to enter your life. Whatever life transition you are in the midst of will continue to prod you in a resisted, but desired, direction and a new man will join your journey. The universe is a juicy, luscious, abundant banquet. Don't settle for crumbs.
posted by Lynda Hilburn @ 11:42 AM
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