Relationship Wanted

Dear Lynda:
I'm going to be 23 in a month, and I've never been in a serious relationship. Its not something that has bothered me before. I've always thought I've been better off single, as my friends keep going through pretty serious ups and downs in their own relationships. I wasn't exactly happier single, but it wasn't an issue. However, nowadays it's driving me crazy. I don't want to be single, I hate it ! It's not peer pressure, I have some friends who are single, and some who are in relationships, so I never feel left out. But I keep wondering what's wrong with me. Everyone I know has been in at least ONE serious relationship. I know I'm not perfect, far from it -- I need to lose weight, keep a lid on my temper, etc. etc., but I know girls who have the same sort of problems, and more, but they aren't single, or haven't been at some point. I've been in love, and had crushes.. but no one has ever loved me. What could be so terrible about me? It's never bothered me before, but now when I see how much my guy friends love their girlfriends, or how much my girl friends are loved by their boyfriends, it drives me crazy. I'm sooooo jealous, and I hate that about me. Everyone keeps telling me that I'll meet someone soon, but I'm sick of waiting. I meet lots of guys but no one is ever interested in me. I've asked guys who are my friends, and they are quick to reassure me that I'm relatively friendly and reasonably attractive, but none of them can answer why I'm so unwanted. I know I'm rambling but everyone I know can't seem to understand why this is such a big deal to me, and really don't want to hear about it anymore. But it IS a big deal, and it's driving me crazy. Do you have any answers ? How long do you think I'll be waiting around like this?
Rubaina

Dear Rubaina: I had some clear notions about your situation before I put the tarot cards out, and the cards verified my perceptions. I know one thing absolutely: your attitudes about yourself will determine the nature of your connections with others (or lack thereof). As your friends have told you, there is no physical reason why you haven't allowed yourself to be in a relationship. That leaves psychological. There seems to be a powerful level of fear operating for you -- something that comes from long-held (even though you're very young) beliefs and limitations about yourself. Issues of self-worth, feelings of being unwanted, even a struggle about whether or not you think you deserve to be here. I can't know where those hurtful ideas first came from, but I can tell you that they're raining all over your relationship parade. I know so many wonderful women. Some of them are fat (not just chubby). Some are quite unattractive. Some have disabilities. Some have survived tragedies I can't even comprehend. But the one thing they all have in common (besides being in loving relationships), is that they see themselves clearly and think they're terrific, regardless. They don't care what the prevailing notions are. They don't waste a minute worrying about the number on the scale. Instead, they are all joyfully alive. They think about others and spend little time picking themselves apart. They are people magnets. That means they're so comfortable in their own skins, others want to be with them. It is the dissonance of self-hatred that pushes people away. So, are you willing to consider the possibility that the world merely reflects how you feel about yourself? Stop looking outside for something to happen and turn your attention inward, where choices are made.
Lynda

Heartbreaking Situation

Dear Lynda:
My daughter is using alcohol and drugs and her life has spun out of control. She's currently in jail and will be evicted from her apartment. She can't hold a job and is living on borrowed money from friends -- friends willing to help her continue to drink and do drugs. My husband and I had a rocky relationship with her when she was a teenager. But things improved when she went to college, met a boy, and landed a good job. But our relationship soured again when she got involved with another guy who was a psychological mess and it's been touch and go for the last couple of years. My attempts to reach her, help her, bring her home to get her life under control and get the help she needs have been rejected and resented. Last summer I did get her home for three days, but after handing her some money, she refused counseling to help her cope with her boyfriend's death, and ran back to her friends and the drugs when I wouldn't give her more money. She insists she doesn't want to be around my husband, her stepfather, and my offers to go for family counseling to work things out, are rejected. I'm wracked with guilt over this and feel like a failure as her mother.

A friend of hers -- who I'm not sure is a good or bad influence -- called to ask for rent money for her. But though I've helped her in the past, I refused this time because she's only getting worse in this bad environment. I said she's welcome here, at my mom's and my son's homes if she loses her apartment. I don't know if she'll leave her friends and drug connections to come here or try to move in with her friends there.

My instinct at this point is to wait and let her come to me for help but I don't even know if she'll ever reach out to me again and I'm scared she'll get out of jail and start drinking and doing drugs again. Someone suggested I should try to see my daughter and try to get through to her again -- a three hour drive that could once again prove fruitless and hurtful like a visit a few weeks ago when I tried to convince her to choose rehab rather than jail.

I realize I'm dealing with the addict, not my daughter, but it still hurts. I feel like I don't even know who she is anymore. She's so hardened, so filled with pain and anger, I don't know how to get through to her or help her. What do you see happening in our future? Will I ever get my daughter back?
Heartbroken mother

Dear Heartbroken Mother:
You're in one of the roughest places a parent can be. Your heart aches because you know your child is in pain. But you also know she must make the decision to be healthy. I'm going to give you several bits of information, some from the tarot spread I put out about your daughter, some from my professional experience as a psychotherapist, and some from my personal experience. Intuitive first. Your daughter is on a dark, negative, slippery slope. Her level of self-destruction must have been building for years. I'd wager she showed signs of depression and self-hatred early on. As of right now, she has a hard path ahead of her, and if she doesn't decide she can find the courage to face her inner demons (one of which is a difficult past experience with a trusted person), she'll hit a very rough bottom. There is little you can do about that. If she's old enough to have been in college, she's an adult. At least legally, if not emotionally/mentally. She's standing at a crucial crossroads, and only she can know what she'll choose. I see as many indications of one choice as another. But she is capable of choosing life rather than it's opposite. Not as helpful as you'd like, I imagine. As a therapist, (and looking at what the cards said) I see signs of hope. But a positive outcome can only arrive after bold actions on your part. You can't rescue her yourself, because until she chooses to be clean and sober, nobody else has a prayer of making a difference. When things reach the low point, you might consider an intervention. An active one. You'll receive indications shortly that she's slipped further down the slope, and then it will be time to act. There are people/organizations who help with these kinds of things and you can find out about them through the various drug and alcohol resources in your area. Tough love is great, but it's horrible for the parents. I'll just say that in my own experience, I had to let go of what my child was choosing. I had to face the fact that he might not survive his self-destructive tendencies. I had to stop staying awake all night, waiting for the phone to ring with terrifying news. I had to unplug that phone and let him fall. He fell hard. For a long time. I think the fall woke up some part of him that had been asleep -- medicated by not only the substances, but his depression. He began to slowly emerge from his anger. Long story short, he's still struggling, but he's on his way. My heart goes out to you.
Lynda

Dangerous, Abusive Man

Dear Lynda:
I am a 22-year-old female. When I was a little girl I was taken out of my mom's custody and was given to my grandmother. The reason for this was because my step-dad (at the time) was mean to me and chased me around with chainsaws, butcher knifes, hot pokers, and just about everything else. What I am wondering is if it is illegal for him to be around me now that I am older. He is still horrible to me, calling me names and I feel like I can't even go out of my bedroom here at my grandmas without him harrassing me. I still live with my grandmother because of my medical problems. I have to deal with depression on a daily basis. Him being here makes my depression worse. My grandma won't make him leave because she feels sorry for him. In the past few months, I have had to go as far as calling the law but nothing was done about the way I am treated by him on a daily basis. In the past he killed one of our dogs, a 3 legged poodle named Pooh. And has kicked out little black chihuahua, Lady. He has even threatened to "snap those 3 cats in half". Saying that about my 3 cats, Willow, Lilly, & Baby. I am stuck and I don't know what to do. I am disabled from working, and was told by my doctor that I shouldn't move out because of the risk of having a relapse of my legs swelling up and not being able to walk.
Tequilla, Virginia

Dear Tequilla:
I'm so sorry things have been so awful. I am confused about why your grandmother is allowing this abusive man -- who apparently isn't related to you or your grandmother -- to live with you. Something is very wrong here. You need to talk to someone there in Virginia who can help you. Here in Colorado, we have a wonderful system set up to protect battered women and children. You definitely qualify. Find out if there is a battered women's shelter in your area, or a hotline you can call. If the law was unable to do anything to help you, perhaps one reason might be because you didn't have an advocate to help you in the system. You need to tell someone about the abuse of you when you were a child and the ongoing abuse. You need to tell an authority figure that you are afraid of this person. Your grandmother seems unable to protect you, so you'll have to protect yourself. Getting a restraining order to keep this man away from you would be a start, but they are often ineffective. Being disabled doesn't mean you need to be at the mercy of a horrible person. Something is definitely very, very wrong here. Call someone in social services, if you can't find a domestic violence counselor to talk to. Even though it will be hard for you, and you don't know exactly what to do, you have to take these actions for yourself. Otherwise, I fear something even more negative will occur. Make an appointment with a counselor at your local mental health center, too. They usually have sessions available on a sliding-scale basis. It's time for you to put yourself first. Be bold. Please call for help and write me back and let me know what happened.
Lynda