Standing at a Crossroads

Dear Lynda:
I'm an artist specializing in watercolors and a romance writer. I've known that I've wanted to do these things from the age of 12. If it helps, I'm a Pisces.

I'm on disability for chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia plus a few other things. It's a blessing in disguise. For the first time I'm getting the chance to really learn how to write genre fiction and it's exciting. Also, for job retraining I'm finishing my Associate's Degree (I love going to school). I don't think I can enter the workforce doing an office job like before. I'm an INFP on the Myers-Briggs test, so you can understand why I feel that getting out of the office job was a blessing.

I've been married for 16 years (he's an Aries on the cusp). I love him, but he's demanding, self-focused, perfectionistic and has no clue that not only do I want the art and writing to be my job, but I have to create. I get physically ill when I'm not able to create.

Because of the disease and brain damage I'm slower. Because of the memory loss (some days are better than others and I can hold my own) I deal with the situation as best I can, knowing it will be a blessing to wake up to another day.

I donate my art and artistic endeavors to local benefit silent auctions to share with others who are in desperate need. It's my way of giving back to the community. I'm getting involved in some local writing organizations to network and update my resume as much as the CFIDS allows. I must keep on with my dream. Without it a large part of me will be lost.

He wants a spotless house and almost all his meals made from scratch, etc. Needless to say, I've begun to try to focus my energy on myself and he doesn't like it. I'm trying to eliminate what stresses me. He doesn't believe in my disease, even though four specialists have agreed on it and physically there are things I can't do anymore.

Do you have any suggestions as I try to finish my novels, sell my artwork and deal with my hubby? I'm grateful for your time and advice.
Pookie, Pasadena, TX

Dear Pookie:
I'm going to walk very tenderly along the path your questions have created for me. It's always challenging for me to find ways to express my sense of someone's dilemma without doing anything to add to the already-excessive stress levels.

First, I want to say that I feel your warm heart, giving nature and your almost innocent willingness to love. Your spirit shines like that of a young child--hopeful, optimistic and very dear.

I believe you have some tough decisions to make.

I've noticed over the years, as I've worked as both a psychic and a psychotherapist, that there are strong correlations between the manifestation of chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia and certain inner resistances. I'm not saying they aren't real, physical illnesses, because they certainly do show up in the body and wreak havoc. But before they reach the level of the outer physical, they were emotional/vibrational/energetic disruptions. It seems to me that all physical illness has roots in the inner world. I've never witnessed it being otherwise. Your illness continues because you are abandoning yourself emotionally. You aren't taking a stand for yourself.

Because it is painful for you to really look at the core problems, you make yourself sicker. You have allowed yourself to be manipulated and taken advantage of by someone in the name of love. The two of you are doing a destructive dance and, as many behavioral therapists say (including Dr. Phil), we teach people how to treat us. We attract what we vibrate. We elicit what we believe.

Your husband can't treat you any way that you don't allow. I get a strong undercurrent of fear from you about your life and your relationship.

I hope you will begin to actually sell your artwork instead of only giving it away. That is a lovely gesture, but if you think about what it says, metaphorically, it isn't such a good thing. Imagine that you are your artwork. You are giving yourself away. Now, there's nothing wrong with donating SOME of your work to charity. That's just being a caring soul. But there is a connection between the way you are with money and the way you feel about yourself.

Look carefully at your life. What would someone have to believe to create the life you have? How would a person have to feel about her/himself in order to be where you are now?

I'm thrilled for you that you are writing. What a delightful way for you to begin to express your true and deep emotions. I hope you will realize that the writing is more about opening the doors to your soul than about selling books, etc. Although, that is a possibility if you will allow yourself to become the truly strong woman you really are.

I see varied options for you regarding work. No. Office work isn't for you. Go ahead and cross that off your list and expand your horizons. Aim higher. Be brave. Be outrageous.

Let me say this again. Your illness has emotional roots and healing comes from the inside. I also want to reframe the word "anger" for you. Think of it as passion, aliveness, or life force rather than something negative. Your passion/anger is yearning to break free. It definitely wants to talk to your husband.

If you insist on remaining with him, I strongly recommend counseling because you are draining yourself dry from the inside and he -- perhaps unknowingly -- is not part of the solution. I wonder how sick you are willing to get before you make the hard changes? My fingers are crossed for you.
Lynda