She Doesn't Want To Be a Robot

Dear Lynda:
I've spent most of my 44 years just trying to survive the journey that I picked for myself. I face many decisions now that were not even possible several years ago. I feel torn in many directions. My conservative side says to go to school (which I'm doing), work in a big corporation (which I'm also doing), own a home (ditto), and guess what? I'm bored out of my mind. I feel like a robot going through life, not really experiencing happiness, sadness or much of anything. I'm not depressed. I just don't have enthusiasm for my life right now. I know that this is not the road I'm supposed to be on.

But where am I supposed to be? Where are the things that I miss terribly that seemed to center me in the past? Things such as sunsets, sunrises, listening to stories from the elderly. I no longer have the time to do these activities. The types of jobs that I would love to do pay below living wages.

I feel that if I continue on this rather mundane path, I will develop illnesses, become old before my time and perhaps even bitter -- thinking about what I should have done versus what I have done.

Do you see me breaking free of all these self-imposed restraints? Are my dreams those of a young girl? Should I be working toward a business degree and a wonderful job in a room that might actually have windows? Or should I be following my heart and spirit?
Ann, Denver, CO

Dear Ann:
I think we're all afraid. Somehow we got the idea that if we surrounded ourselves with enough illusions of security, that we'd be "safe." That maybe nothing chaotic or crazy could happen. That maybe we won't die. But, as Buggs Bunny says, "nobody gets out of here alive."

I had to smile as I read your email because you answered all your own questions and gave yourself great advice.

If you choose the robot path, the one with no aliveness, you have already put out to the universe that you will be dealing with physical illness, grow old before your time, and perhaps become bitter. That's quite a self-fulfilling prophecy. And it is entirely possible that you can contract and restrict yourself to the point that your life seems safe. But at such a huge cost. Do you really want a life lived in fear and conformity? Where did you get these ideas?

I don't know if you will break free of these self-imposed restraints. You are the one holding the keys to the jail cell in your hands. (Wasn't there an Eagles song with a line about not ever knowing he'd held the key all along?) When the pain of being restricted becomes bigger than the pain of the fear of the unknown, you will break free. If you never reach that point -- and the choice is yours, day by day -- then this is the life you will have.

It is a matter of priorities. Put the things you love in your life at the top of your list. I know you think there is no time, but that is only an idea you have (fear has you trapped in the corner). It is interesting what happens when we begin to act as if our deep, soul needs matter.

How many more years do you want to "survive the journey"? Wouldn't it be great to be fully alive. I don't remember who said this, but if you don't change today, tomorrow is going to look a lot like yesterday.
Lynda