Torn Between Two Lovers

Dear Lynda:
I'm in a situation I never thought possible and I hope you can help me. My husband and I have had problems during our 20-year marriage -- we separated once, then reconciled -- and in the past year those problems have escalated. At the same time, I met another man through work, and my feelings for him have changed from friendship to love.

I know that it's not wise to compare a long-term relationship to one of six months. Yet, I find myself doing that. I believe that it's important to decide about my marriage based on its merits, so I have stopped seeing and communicating with the other man while I try to find my way to clarity.

And that's another problem. I don't have clarity and I don't know what I want to do. I am in love with this man. I feel happier with him than I can remember ever feeling. But isn't that infatuation? I'm weary of working on things with my husband, but since we have stayed together for so long, am I meant to work things out with him?

Can you help me? Both my husband and my lover are telling me the same thing: they each want a commitment from me. But I'm so unclear.
Kathy, Denver, CO

Dear Kathy: As you already know, all of this is really about you, and the men involved are playing their assigned roles in your unconsciously-created script. I can't tell you what you ought to do, but I can tell you what I believe you are moving into if everything remains the same and you don't make any radical changes. It appears to me that you are so drawn to the man from work that you are allowing the energy of the situation to pull you into that relationship and out of your marriage.

It does appear that you have been profoundly unhappy and you will have to ask yourself if your desire for security is stronger than your yearning for love and joy. What do you want the second half of your life to be like?

But I do want to say that I see chaos approaching. Some unexpected, unanticipated "something" flowing into the scene and causing a shift in perspective and direction (husband finding out?). You have been in this tense contraction for quite a while now, and we know that nothing stays the same. Energy constantly reconfigures and transforms. You have called forth this chaos from the deepest part of yourself and it's only your personality-self that has no clue.

My advice is to take a step back. Perhaps live on your own for a while so that the energetic environment can clear out. It's impossible to make a coherent decision when there's so much pressure from all directions. I'm clearly prompted to tell you to be a hermit for a while. Go into your cave and be willing to die to the old, so that the new -- whatever that turns out to be, whatever you choose -- can be born. Nothing is simply black or white, and the situation between the three of you (very old, by the way) is not only what it appears to be. Decisions can be revisited. What does your child-self want? What is this really about beyond the obvious?

And perhaps it would be helpful for you to remember that clarity comes and goes. Like happiness, it flows in and out, so that we can understand its flip-side.

Don't end your marriage because you think there is something out there that will offer you more aliveness (aliveness comes from inside). If you leave, do so because the marriage, and your connection with your husband, is complete. Get very still, take a few deep breaths, and ask your body about being alone. Pay close attention because the body never lies.
Lynda