On the Horns of a Dilemma

Dear Lynda:
I just finished two long years of writing a guidebook for a publisher. A couple of weeks ago, about midway through edits, my publisher told me that the book is no longer publishing this spring, and it is on hold indefinitely. Even though my publisher pulled it, I was at the end of my rope, both emotionally and financially (the project was only supposed to last nine months, but it was too big for its britches), and I likely sealed the book's fate through my increasingly negative attitude.

Now, the thing is, the possibility of picking up the pieces and moving forward to try to finish the book does exist, as does walking away entirely. As does some solution I haven't thought of. Part of me wants to wipe the slate clean and walk. I want to be free ot if, though that might mean returning my advance and burning bridges. Another part of me wants to see it through to completion and try to get it published. I've put an enormous amount of time and effort in already, it still might possibly help my career, and I feel I owe a debt to the people who helped me with it. But, this could mean more unpaid hours and little time to pursue other interests. Back to square one.

I admit I'm kinda angry at my publisher (and maybe at myself). I don't know what to do.

Also, working on this book has forced another issue to light: Am I weary of writing because this project has drained me, and I'll want to write again soon, or did this project not go so well in part because I should be considering other career options? I'm rather confused about my direction lately. And I'm really tired of being broke.

In addition, I fell in love with a guy who lives in a really small town, and how I'll make my living (and also enjoy the work), has me nervous. We could relocate, but we both like it here. If we do leave, it'll be my doing, and maybe that has me nervous, too.

I'm trying to figure out how to get off the fence and move forward. I appreciate any insight, advice, etc., that might bring some clarity.
Kate, Torrey, UT

Dear Kate:
First, finish the unfinished book project.

Even just scanning your letter as I added it to my pile of letters to be answered in the blog, I felt strongly that it is imperative that you complete the project. Tie the last knot on the last thread of this tapestry. Something about the energy drain that could happen if you don't complete the circle makes me want to jump and down and wave my arms at you. So, aside from all the other reasons for you to finish it, energetic completion is the only one that matters. The leak that happens in situations like this is often referred to as a hole in one's aura or the displacement of an aspect of soul.

I won't bother trying to second-guess what your mindset was when you initially proposed, began and slogged through the guidebook project, but it now feels like a lifeless endeavor. We must find a way to energize the guidebook so you can finish it with a positive attitude (attitude is an inside job) and then honestly acknowledge that -- perhaps -- there wasn't enough passion for the project to begin with.

That's my strongest feeling about where you find yourself now. I had the odd sense that you did that project as some kind of "should." But it was a half-hearted "should."

I think your resistance to many aspects of completing this book came from not choosing a rabidly-alive topic, more than any cosmic hints that you need to find another career path.

You didn't say, but I hope you're also writing fiction. Something that taps your imagination and your alter ego.

Just a quick thing about living in the small town with your fella. I read that you said you both like living there, but as I scanned your words, one of my eyebrows raised all by itself. What does that mean? It is one of my personal indicators that things aren't as they appear to be (but then, what ever is??). I know we women do lots of things in the name of love. Or lust. Or whatever childhood pattern we remain hooked into. But I want to ask you to be honest with yourself about everything -- not just the topic of your writing.

The romance looks good -- with the exception of my suspicion that you push your own needs/desires to the back burner. If that's true, it will backfire.

This ought to make you smile wide: I see two things. One, as you refuse to follow anyone else's rules (about everything) and follow the most scary, challenging part of your dream, success will tap you on the shoulder. Which leads to the second thing. Money.

I have found that it is often necessary for creative types to have several income sources happening at any given time. I want to encourage you to make your writing skills available in even more outside-the-box ways than you do already. Don't give up writing. Just expand what that means to you. And, as I said before, fiction, fiction, fiction.

And, your publisher is a mirror for something about yourself. I wonder what that is?
Lynda