First Love

Hello Lynda: I don't write this easily, because I don't usually ask for help, but I need some clarification. I am married (for the past 5 years) to a man I respect and do love. Our sex life has never been as exciting as I had with my first love 23 years earlier.

That first love (who is married with 2 children) and I meet every 6 months or so (sometimes more than that). We go for dinner, etc. and then we ultimately end up having fabulous sex . . . better than anything . . . passionate. We love to kiss and just get as close to each other as possible. I don't even feel guilty because there is something about him as a person that I really truly and profoundly love. I probably love him more than my husband, and I therefore don't even think it's wrong! Which is really bizarre since I try to have character and ethics in everything I do. I haven't and don't like a lot of men but he has always had an "all-consuming" effect on me. But at the same time, I don't agree with a lot of things or ways he has handled his life and realize that I would probably (still a question though) have been unhappy in a marriage with him.

I slept with him last night. It was wonderful. I miss him this morning but would never tell him or text him or anything to make it more emotional, to be fair to his family and mine. I kind of dust myself off and go on.

When I dated him 23 years earlier it was a very passionate relationship. I saw him all the time and we also fought a lot in a passionate way. My parents did not really think he was right for me and basically put an end to it. I tried to do the right thing because I respected them (and still do).

I don't even know what I want to hear from you but I guess it's just, "how do I get him out of my deepest heart"? What lesson about myself do I need to hear???
Respectfully,
The one and only

Dear TO&O: It doesn't sound like he's going to be vacating your "deepest heart" any time soon. I think your experience is an example of the complexity of human relationships. I believe human situations are subjective. Despite arguments with various philosophy professors in college, I have never been convinced that there are absolutes in the world. I think there are things we are still in the process of understanding (laws of the universe, etc.). Relationships -- especially love/romantic/sexual ones -- are capable of exhibiting unlimited layers. Your decision, I believe, isn't about an ideal of right and wrong. It's about personal ethics. You allowed your parents to make a decision for you about your relationship with this man, and there's no need to second-guess that choice: it's over and done with. But now you need to own your choices -- to be responsible for your thoughts, feelings and actions. If you and your first love have discussed this issue (and if you haven't, that is your next step), and have decided to remain with your current spouses, while still continuing an ongoing, emotional connection, then your task is to be fully present in all aspects of your life. When you're with your husband, be fully present. Stay in the now. Love with all your heart. When you're with your lover, enjoy that time with no expectations. The question is: can you do that? If you can't, you have a hard decision to make. Once again, every situation is unique and subjective. In my world, there are no easy answers. You might want to explore how grounded and healthy your beliefs are about love and romance.
Lynda

Should I hold onto this friendship?

Dear Lynda: I am writing about a friendship of many years. In that time I kept reaching out for "best friend" status from her and felt very happy when she started calling me her "sister." It has been so one-sided though; I am the one who calls, who suggests things to do, etc. She is not yet retired and I am, so when she refuses because she is "so busy" I understand but also feel put off.

I have periodically wanted to talk to her about this but dreaded having the friendship end. Last fall while I was away from the States for a month, I realized I could get along without her advice, without all the calling. For years she has listened to me and my problems with an addicted child; she has been supportive. On the other hand, she has been very private about herself and I suspect her marriage isn't all the rosey picture she paints of it.

So now I feel guilty and confused because I sense she is somehow affecting me negatively. In encounters with her I've felt "less than" or irritated; something seems "off." She is this saintly person who is always helping someone! What's wrong with me?

An example - when I spoke with her about a devastating rejection of my writing by an editor I know she brought up what she thought was a similar situation and didn't seem to connect with how I was feeling at all. She also has told me about guys hitting on her even though she knows I am divorced and alone. The last time she spoke of this I told her "I don't have that problem." It made me wonder why she shares this kind of information with me. I end up feeling like a wallflower.

I purposely stopped calling "first" and have spoken with her only twice in the past six weeks. Today she called and I didn't pick up. My inner guidance appears to be saying stay away, but I am so afraid of being unfair and maybe even stupid by cutting off this friendship. Help!

Afraid

Dear Afraid: First, stop beating up on yourself. You're human. What you're describing is very common. Sensitive people make ourselves crazy about these kinds of things all the time. My first questions are: Have you spoken to her about your feelings? Are you sure she is even remotely aware of your disappointment with her and why? It's wise to be careful about what traits and characteristics we attribute to someone. Perhaps she isn't nearly as aware and "saintly" as you might imagine (imagine being the key word here). I've frequently been surprised when I discovered that someone I felt certain was insightful, intuitive and sensitive turned out to be none of those things. It was all in my head. For whatever reason, I needed that person to fill that role for me. I simply ignored the parts I didn't want to see. But, honestly, the only thing you need to do is let go, allow whatever connection is in alignment with your vibational nature, and just enjoy whatever does -- or doesn't -- happen. Perhaps she isn't able to participate in a relationship at the level you desire. Some people are very private. Can you enjoy her if she isn't as you hoped? Can you see her clearly and let that be enough? If not, simply wish her well and move on.
Best, Lynda