The Pain of Love
I found your website looking for help. I'm 42 years old and have been in a beautiful relationship with my significant other. We never married, but have been together for 8 years and have a 6 year old son together. Since we were both married previously and ended up in divorce, we decided that a piece of paper was not going to bring us happiness and didn't want to jinx our relationship. Well, we are now splitting up and I am taking it very badly. My partner has fallen in love with another woman. Within the past 2 months, he's had this friend that he spoke to several times a day. Whom he met on vacation. Our phone bill was over $600 for one month. That is when I found out about his friend. I noticed he was talking to her and confronted him. He told me they were just friends. She apparently confided in him and they became good friends. I insisted that he stop talking to her because my instincts told me that there was more than a friendship. However, at the time he said that his friendship to her was more important than me and he wasn't going to break it up. He even said that I can speak to her and she will tell me that it is nothing more than a good friendship. Well I did speak to her and asked her to please stop talking to him. She said she would, because apparently he had lied to her about something. Well, she took it really bad and insulted him and told him to leave her alone. But he would not. He continues to contact her and ask her for forgiveness. I found this out, by reviewing his phone and saw a text message where he's asking her for forgiveness and admits to her that he loves her. I showed him the message and he admitted to me that it was true. He said he felt confused because he knows that my love for him is true love and this other woman is nothing but a friend to him. He didn't know why he fell so deeply for her. At first I kicked him out, but then decided that for our son's sake he could stay. I went through a really bad divorce and my other children suffered too much and I didn't want my 6 year old son to go through the same thing. And his father does really love him and I know not having him around would be traumatic for both of them.
My question is, am I doing the good thing for my son? We do not fight in front of him, so I really don't think he knows what is going on, other than him seeing his dad sleeping in another room. Also, since this is recent, within the last couple of weeks, I am still very hurt and have been crying my eyes out everyday. I see him and want to hold him and tell him how much I love him. But, I know I cannot. He asked me to give him space and to let him go, so he can think things through, because he is confused. And he cannot ask me for forgiveness, because he cannot stop calling this other woman. His head tells him it is wrong and she is not worth it, but his heart wants her.
I'm very hurt, but I think I need to ask him to move out. But, I don't want my son to suffer. What do I do?
Confused and In Love
Dear Confused: This makes me sad, because I think the man in question is being incredibly selfish. He is putting his own needs and desires above the well being of his child. I understand that you believe you love this man, but the relationship doesn't sound like a healthy one to me, even before the other woman problem started. I'm so sorry this man let you and your children down. Sometimes people are weak. Here's what I see in the cards: get very strong within yourself, tell the selfish man to move on, focus on you and your children, create a life that nurtures and supports you, take your attention away from this man and his behavior. If you do all that, I see a wonderful improvement in your life over the next 10 months. What that means is, as you get stronger, either this man will get his act together and be worthy of you, or you'll connect with someone else who is the strong, compassionate partner you need. Sometimes we can't see the toxic environment we've created until we step away from it. Don't make this man your answer to anything. He isn't up to the job.