Psychic Vampire

Hi Lynda:
I wonder if you can help me. I'm very frustrated. I met Marc on the internet 3 years ago this Christmas. It started out as a romance, we both know we're soul mates, twin flames, and we understood each other in a way neither of us has been able to find anywhere else. But the romance didn't last long. He got scared and ended it, to this day I'm not even sure why but I went along with it, because he means the world to me. Above and beyond the romance, we both agreed that we needed this friendship. Well, for the last two and a half years we've been struggling with it, struggling to stay friends. You see, he and I are both intuitives, we're both empaths, so along with an uncommon friendship, we also have a bond that frankly scares the both of us at times. I know when he's thinking of me, I know what he's thinking about us, what he's doing while he's thinking it, and when he and I are actively thinking of each other at the same time, it's like he's in the same room with me I feel him so strongly.

So why are we struggling, it should be great, right? That's what I'm hoping you can help me with, help me to understand. Ever since he ended the romance part of our relationship he's held me at arm's length, drawing me in, pushing me away. At first it was hard, for the first year we both struggled to stay away from the romance, we kept drifting back to it. He keeps me in email only. He won't allow me to send him an instant message or call him on the phone every once in a while. It's email only. And he still waffles between loving me and keeping me as strictly a friend. I know it's because he's really confused, and I thought I could handle just being friends, but you see, he sees other women, talks to them on the internet, and then comes to me to tell me about them. We recently had a huge fight over this, because I've told him, fully admitted that maybe I'm not being the best friend to him, but that I'm weak in this respect, that I needed him NOT to tell me about these other women, that it hurts me greatly. But he still continues to do it, and I know he does it simply because he trusts me, I'm the only person he CAN tell this stuff to. But it hurts me. I don't want it to, but it does. I see green every time he does it.

Honestly Lynda, if I didn't know better I'd honestly think he just "wasn't that interested". But he keeps coming back to me. It's the same routine -- we go weeks without speaking until he caves and emails me, and we crash together again, professing our love, and our need for the friendship, and for about a week it's great. And then it starts all over again.

So, I wrote him a long letter last night. I haven't heard from him yet because I asked him not to reply if he only wanted to argue with me, I asked him if he truly didn't want my friendship to love me enough to let me walk away with my held high, that I felt enough of a failure as his friend. But I had to admit to him that maybe my constant jealousy over his girlfriends means that it's time to admit that I'm still in love with him. I just can't handle that he keeps me as strictly an email pen-pal (since the romance ended, he won't even add me to his instant messengers!), that I can't handle hearing him talk about girlfriends anymore. I told him that it's been very obvious to me for a very long time that neither one of us really wants to be just friends, and that maybe that was my cue to go. I told him I loved him and that I wished him all the happiness he deserved (and he does deserve it).

But this morning, I'm doubting everything. I'm just not seeing things very clearly at all; my emotions are entirely too tangled up in this. I wanted him to email me and ask me not to go, to apologize, something, but it never comes, and I don't know why. I'd like to know...will ever move past this push/pull and be close again? Or am I hanging my heart on something that just won't work? I've done it before.

And if it doesn't work, I wonder if you can tell me ... how can I break this empathic bond that we have? Or close him off? My gift is still newly discovered and I haven't figured that out yet, how to keep people out. When I feel his pain over us, it makes my pain unbearable. If this relationship isn't destined to work, how can I close him off so that I no longer feel all of his emotions anymore? Is that even possible??

Either way, I thank you for listening.
J

Dear J: Bless your sweet heart. I wish I had some happy news for you because I know you really want to hear that this will all work out and he is the mate for you. I probably see this relationship different than you do, since I've witnessed a lot of these over the years. I won't even offer an opinion about whether or not he is your soul mate, etc. (a very misunderstood concept). What I can say is that he is a psychic vampire. I'm sure that isn't what you wanted me to say, but it's still true. A psychic vampire is someone who feeds on the energy/empathy/emotions/fears/confusion of others. Often, a psychic vampire doesn't even know he/she is feeding. They are so emotionally damaged, that toxic relationships (with lots of pretty labels to cover up the unhealthy nature of the connection) are simply normal to them.

This person can't have the kind of relationship you want.

I understand how intense and compelling these kinds of interactions can be. Life without the drama seems empty, so we assume we are "supposed" to be with the person. We "need" the excitement and upheaval the communications provide.

There is nothing healthy here. Even if he contacts you, saying what you want to hear, he'll flip-flop soon, looking for more outlets for his addiction.

How do you sever your connection with this person? Shift your attention. Yes. You'll have to re-shift your attention a thousand times a day until you get used to thinking about healthy things. Turn toward what you desire rather than focusing on this draining non-relationship. There really is a wonderful relationship in your future if you'll turn away from the unhealthy toward the joyful.
Lynda

Feeling The Pain of Others

Greetings Lynda:
I was happy to find your web site. Most web sites I have run across offer instruction on how to develop abilities or how to use them, they never deal with how to block them so you can just deal with them. I would love to get your advice on how to manage what I consider an ability that I just don’t know how to deal with. As a boy and early teen, I found that I was hyper-sensitive to other people’s pain. Both physical and emotional. If I spend any time with someone, it’s as if I can see his or her inner pain as if it was a physical thing. It’s like I can see a bruise on their inner self. My chest tightens and it feels like something heavy has been put inside of me. If I spend too much time with someone who is really hurting, emotionally I can feel his or her pain as if it was my own and there are times where I feel crushed by it. In other words, I find this intensely difficult to deal with. I can’t even be around sick people for vary long or I physically develop their symptoms. For example, a friend of mine had eye surgery and as a result, his right eye was visibly swollen and irritated for about a week. Every time I saw him and looked directly at him, my left eye would get sore, water, and eventually become infected. If I am around someone with a headache, migraine, or any kind of physical pain, a few min later I develop the same pain. I know I am not sick with what they have and I know that once I get away from that person it will go away in an hour or so, but at the same time, it makes it hard to be a social person. I thought I had some kind of social disorder for a while because in a large group of people I can sense the pain around me and after a few hours I am worn out and feel like I just finished a hard workout. My name is Jason and I was once told that it means, “One who heals the broken hearted.” I would love to live up to what my name stands for but at the same time I don’t know how to turn off or tone down how much of another person I take in. I feel drawn to people who are hurting, but at the same time, when I am feeling their pain, it's like I have to help them and me at the same time to get through it. Do you have any advice for me?
Jason the emotional sponge bob

Dear Jason: It does seem like a tough choice: be at the mercy of whatever energy has the strongest signal, or withdraw and live as a hermit. Actually, your situation is one of the reasons I believe so many sensitive people keep to themselves (I can vouch for that, myself). This might sound harsh or cold-hearted, but simply because you can feel something doesn't mean you need to. I think highly sensitive people misunderstand what it means that we can sense/feel things. We believe because we can feel something, we need to do something. Take an action on that person's behalf. Heal them.

All healing is self healing.

I'll just use my own experience as an example. Since I grew up with my radar blasting -- feeling/sensing everything around me -- I went back and forth between thinking I was crazy/broken and believing I needed to make things better for those I could sense. I spent years making myself miserable, trying to "fix" other people. Eventually, I discovered my need to fix them was my own lack of understanding and a little bit of arrogance. (It's great to be special, but it's truly a double-edged sword.) When I finally grasped that I could choose whether or not I experienced someone's pain (yes, you really can choose. I know you don't believe me, yet.) and then the degree to which I could feel it, I was liberated. That awareness led to the knowledge that, if I'm trying to fix/heal someone, I'm in the way. Whatever their soul/deeper consciousness/expanded wisdom was up to by creating the pain, etc., I couldn't possibly understand how it served them.

So, what did I do to filter the perceptions? I made a decision that I'd let others' energy flow through me without clinging. I could feel it if I wanted to, but it was like a river, continually moving on. I came to know that if someone's pain resonated with me and I "took it on," it was because there was something similar in my own energy. And, if someone came to me specifically, asking for assistance, I'd do what felt healthy for both of us. I learned to remain in a compassionate "witness" state with my clients, which kept me from flailing around in their energies -- trying to figure out (as if I ever could) -- what they need. If I stay in my compassionate space, trust my intuitive wisdom, and remember to do no harm (which is a bigger category than we usually think), I am often helpful.

I'm still working on successfully hanging out in groups, because I get overwhelmed. Here's something that helps me: instead of imagining yourself pushing against the energy "out there," just imagine yourself as a cup filled from the inside, overflowing onto everything. If you are so filled with your own, healthy energy, there's no way for you to take on anything else. There's a difference between healing and uplifting.

And, as I've said before, nobody can push their energy on us. It comes at our invitation, even though we usually have no idea we've sent out the offer. Be the tone you wish to share with the world. Allow people to entrain with your health and watch miracles happen.

You don't have to be sponge bob. Really. Although it is sorta exciting sometimes.
hugs,
Lynda