She Saw What She Wanted to See
Dear Lynda:
I used to be a secretary at a high school and I worked for the principal. We are both in love with each other and we both are married to other people. I will try to make a very long story shorter and tell you what is going on. I hope you can give me some insight or direction.
The first time I saw this man "Alex," I knew immediately that I was attracted to him. Since I was his employee and I didn't know if he shared the attraction, I didn't do or say anything. As the days and weeks and months went on, we got to know each other better and it was clear that we enjoyed each other.
Eventually, we started going out to lunch together and driving to meetings and conferences together, and we told each other everything about our lives.
We both talked about being unhappy in our marriages and it was wonderful to have someone to share things with.
Things really heated up last summer and we became physically intimate. I couldn't think about anything but him. He wrote me poems and letters and gave me sweet gifts. I've never been so in love with anyone.
About a month ago, my husband found the letters and poems Alex wrote, and he confronted me about the affair. I didn't deny anything, and now my husband is very angry and he's trying to turn our children against me. My husband called Alex (he found my cell phone bill and got the phone number) and threatened to tell Alex's wife and, ever since then, Alex has been afraid to talk to me. He wrote me a short note saying he needed to think about things and that he'd be in touch later. I feel so alone and abandoned. My husband is filing divorce papers and I don't know what is happening with the man I love.
What do you see? Will Alex and I be together? What should I do?
Devastated, NY, NY
Dear Devastated:
I wish I could tell you that things are going to work out the way you'd like, but the outcome seems to be moving in a different direction.
It is clear that you are hurting and that you love "Alex." It is also clear to me that Alex has no intention of leaving his wife or even changing his life for you. He only felt safe to explore his attraction to you from the security of his marriage. He doesn't have the courage to make the life shift that one part of him would like to make.
I think you saw what you wanted to see, instead of what was really there, and you attributed a lot of qualities and characteristics to Alex which you, basically, made up. He isn't the man you thought he was.
This is a turning point for you. Take some time -- since you'll be living alone for a while -- to look at the ways your choices, beliefs and decisions created this situation. And, interestingly, I suspect you'll marry again (but it won't be Alex). Talk to a counselor. Don't try to go through this alone.
Oh, yes. Just one more thought. What do you think about the idea that there was a part of you who wanted your husband to find the letters? Who left them in your shared space unconsciously on purpose? Just wondering.
Lynda
I used to be a secretary at a high school and I worked for the principal. We are both in love with each other and we both are married to other people. I will try to make a very long story shorter and tell you what is going on. I hope you can give me some insight or direction.
The first time I saw this man "Alex," I knew immediately that I was attracted to him. Since I was his employee and I didn't know if he shared the attraction, I didn't do or say anything. As the days and weeks and months went on, we got to know each other better and it was clear that we enjoyed each other.
Eventually, we started going out to lunch together and driving to meetings and conferences together, and we told each other everything about our lives.
We both talked about being unhappy in our marriages and it was wonderful to have someone to share things with.
Things really heated up last summer and we became physically intimate. I couldn't think about anything but him. He wrote me poems and letters and gave me sweet gifts. I've never been so in love with anyone.
About a month ago, my husband found the letters and poems Alex wrote, and he confronted me about the affair. I didn't deny anything, and now my husband is very angry and he's trying to turn our children against me. My husband called Alex (he found my cell phone bill and got the phone number) and threatened to tell Alex's wife and, ever since then, Alex has been afraid to talk to me. He wrote me a short note saying he needed to think about things and that he'd be in touch later. I feel so alone and abandoned. My husband is filing divorce papers and I don't know what is happening with the man I love.
What do you see? Will Alex and I be together? What should I do?
Devastated, NY, NY
Dear Devastated:
I wish I could tell you that things are going to work out the way you'd like, but the outcome seems to be moving in a different direction.
It is clear that you are hurting and that you love "Alex." It is also clear to me that Alex has no intention of leaving his wife or even changing his life for you. He only felt safe to explore his attraction to you from the security of his marriage. He doesn't have the courage to make the life shift that one part of him would like to make.
I think you saw what you wanted to see, instead of what was really there, and you attributed a lot of qualities and characteristics to Alex which you, basically, made up. He isn't the man you thought he was.
This is a turning point for you. Take some time -- since you'll be living alone for a while -- to look at the ways your choices, beliefs and decisions created this situation. And, interestingly, I suspect you'll marry again (but it won't be Alex). Talk to a counselor. Don't try to go through this alone.
Oh, yes. Just one more thought. What do you think about the idea that there was a part of you who wanted your husband to find the letters? Who left them in your shared space unconsciously on purpose? Just wondering.
Lynda
posted by Lynda Hilburn @ 8:02 PM
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