Mixed Signals
Dear Lynda:
I met a man at work and developed a crush of sorts on him. Through various people I found out he felt the same. Well, he is going into the Navy in six months and told me he doesn't want a relationship, but then acts like he does when we are alone together. He and I made love (not had sex) and it was wonderful. That night at work he basically ignored me. Then a mutual friend of ours said he talked to him and he is treating me like that because when he leaves he doesn't want to hurt me. I am so confused. I feel he cares for me like I care for him, but he has said that long-distance relationships don't work. I don't know what to do. Should I just stay his friend, or is there a possibility there could be more for us.
Alissa, Jacksonville, FL
Dear Alissa:
You didn't say, but I get the sense that your friend is young. His behavior feels very young. Men -- young men in particular -- have different intentions, interpretations, goals and expectations than their female counterparts. Women tend to make statements like yours above: we made love -- not had sex. First, there's nothing wrong with just having sex, but (as a member of the female species myself, cursed with extreme emotional needs/sensitivity) I understand why women often need to make it more than it is. I think he said he didn't want to hurt you, because he got clearly that you had a very different agenda in mind than the one he was willing to participate in. In other words, your vibe clearly told him that you were looking for something he wasn't interested in giving. To ease your mind, this particular male might not be ready to commit to any kind of ongoing connection for many years. I hope you will look at your pattern. My wish for you is that you allow yourself to just enjoy the men you meet and the moments you share together until the right one -- the one who takes all the actions necessary to show you that you're also his "right one" -- comes along. The young man you discuss in your email isn't the right one. So, what else is going on in your life besides thinking about relationship? What dream do you have for yourself as an individual? Those might be good things to think about.
Lynda
I met a man at work and developed a crush of sorts on him. Through various people I found out he felt the same. Well, he is going into the Navy in six months and told me he doesn't want a relationship, but then acts like he does when we are alone together. He and I made love (not had sex) and it was wonderful. That night at work he basically ignored me. Then a mutual friend of ours said he talked to him and he is treating me like that because when he leaves he doesn't want to hurt me. I am so confused. I feel he cares for me like I care for him, but he has said that long-distance relationships don't work. I don't know what to do. Should I just stay his friend, or is there a possibility there could be more for us.
Alissa, Jacksonville, FL
Dear Alissa:
You didn't say, but I get the sense that your friend is young. His behavior feels very young. Men -- young men in particular -- have different intentions, interpretations, goals and expectations than their female counterparts. Women tend to make statements like yours above: we made love -- not had sex. First, there's nothing wrong with just having sex, but (as a member of the female species myself, cursed with extreme emotional needs/sensitivity) I understand why women often need to make it more than it is. I think he said he didn't want to hurt you, because he got clearly that you had a very different agenda in mind than the one he was willing to participate in. In other words, your vibe clearly told him that you were looking for something he wasn't interested in giving. To ease your mind, this particular male might not be ready to commit to any kind of ongoing connection for many years. I hope you will look at your pattern. My wish for you is that you allow yourself to just enjoy the men you meet and the moments you share together until the right one -- the one who takes all the actions necessary to show you that you're also his "right one" -- comes along. The young man you discuss in your email isn't the right one. So, what else is going on in your life besides thinking about relationship? What dream do you have for yourself as an individual? Those might be good things to think about.
Lynda
posted by Lynda Hilburn @ 11:58 AM
<< Home