Old Boyfriend?
Dear Lynda:
I have been married almost 6 years and have a son who is almost 4. My relationship is good, but a lot of work. The problem is that I still miss my ex-boyfriend very much. I broke up with him 11 years ago, but still want him. He would probably not want me back. I love my husband and son. What should I do about this longing for my ex-boyfriend?
Confused
Dear Confused:
What comes to mind for me is the statement, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone." But I'm not applying it to your former boyfriend. It comes up for me about your marriage. As much as it might seem to be about your former boyfriend, your feelings are really about something inside you. Something about your life. Something about a part of yourself that is yearning. And I believe you aren't missing the old boyfriend. You're missing something he means to you, or a way you behaved around him, or the unlimited hopes of the future, or the freedom you had back then. Fantasizing about an old flame always beats the heck outta dealing with the daily grind of working at a relationship. I'll be as clear as I can. Your marriage is worth focusing on. Your child deserves your clarity. And, even if the old boyfriend wanted you more than life itself, your relationship with that old guy still wouldn't work. In fact, he's not even remotely the person you remember and you wouldn't like it. Or him. Really. Now, the question is: Are you willing to be courageous and face that the problem has nothing to do with anyone else? That there is something you are refusing to face about yourself? Your hopes? Your dreams? So, how can you put yourself and your needs higher on your priority list? That isn't being selfish (despite much opinion to the contrary). It's being awake. Stop looking outside yourself and explore the place where exciting things are really happening.
Lynda
I have been married almost 6 years and have a son who is almost 4. My relationship is good, but a lot of work. The problem is that I still miss my ex-boyfriend very much. I broke up with him 11 years ago, but still want him. He would probably not want me back. I love my husband and son. What should I do about this longing for my ex-boyfriend?
Confused
Dear Confused:
What comes to mind for me is the statement, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone." But I'm not applying it to your former boyfriend. It comes up for me about your marriage. As much as it might seem to be about your former boyfriend, your feelings are really about something inside you. Something about your life. Something about a part of yourself that is yearning. And I believe you aren't missing the old boyfriend. You're missing something he means to you, or a way you behaved around him, or the unlimited hopes of the future, or the freedom you had back then. Fantasizing about an old flame always beats the heck outta dealing with the daily grind of working at a relationship. I'll be as clear as I can. Your marriage is worth focusing on. Your child deserves your clarity. And, even if the old boyfriend wanted you more than life itself, your relationship with that old guy still wouldn't work. In fact, he's not even remotely the person you remember and you wouldn't like it. Or him. Really. Now, the question is: Are you willing to be courageous and face that the problem has nothing to do with anyone else? That there is something you are refusing to face about yourself? Your hopes? Your dreams? So, how can you put yourself and your needs higher on your priority list? That isn't being selfish (despite much opinion to the contrary). It's being awake. Stop looking outside yourself and explore the place where exciting things are really happening.
Lynda
posted by Lynda Hilburn @ 7:15 PM
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