Echoes From The Past?
Dear Lynda:
I ran across your site today and was amazed at the insight and perception you've shown in your responses to questioning souls, so I decided to ask for your guidance in my situation. Any input you can give would be accepted gratefully with an open mind.
About 19 years ago, I had an incredible relationship with a man whom I was engaged to; it truly was the best and at the same time, the worst, relationship I've ever experienced. I won't go into all the details except to say that we were both immature and on destructive paths at the time. We split up but remained on friendly terms, both of us marrying others and living in different states. Years passed and our lives continued to change, but we have always known where the other was living and the basics of what was happening in our lives.
A few years ago, our paths crossed again and since we were both single, we saw each other a few times, but as we lived 1500 miles apart and both had demanding jobs, we mutually decided that we couldn't devote much time to pursuing a relationship right then but again, remained friendly and contacted each other by phone or email occasionally. Since that time, my life has changed dramatically (in more ways than one) and he was a great encouragement and support to me during some really scary moments in my life. In the past month, we've been in contact almost daily and have been growing closer emotionally again - not just as friends, but in a romantic sense again. He still lives in another state, but closer than he was a few years ago.
Obviously, we have both matured since our original relationship and our circumstances have changed since the last time we saw each other; we've both come to realize the danger of making our jobs our whole lives. He tells me that he hopes I'll have an open mind about a possible relationship with him because we have never really had the chance to explore that in a positive way - in the past, our lifestyles were not conducive to healthy relationships. He's asked me to come visit him, all expenses paid and no strings attached, for an upcoming weekend, and I've agreed.
Lynda, this man is unlike anyone I've ever known before or since; we share common goals, dreams and hopes for the future and similar personalities. Over the past 10 years and a few failed relationships with others, I came to the realization that I've never really allowed myself to be that intimate or "feel" that intensely with any other man. I want to approach this rationally, with an open mind, but cannot deny that there are obviously still a lot of emotions between us - a lot of "water under the bridge", if you will. Do you have any strong feelings about this meeting and/or a possible future with this man? I don't want to shut the door on anything, but I am so tired of making emotional mistakes and wonder if we are just drawn to each other because we've never really had 'closure' in any real sense, or if there is really something there we should explore. Also, do you see anything about future jobs for me? The position I have now is okay, but I've always strongly felt that I'm supposed to be writing (it is a hobby and a passion) but have no clear idea what I should be writing or who my audience is. Thanks for a great site and for taking the time to read and consider my questions.
F.S., Tennessee
Dear F.S.: When I pulled some cards about your wonderful letter, I got an interesting thing (interesting to me, anyway!). This is a two-step (at the very least) situation. Before you can make any of the decisions you asked about above -- whether this is a relationship to be pursued, etc. -- you must courageously leap into the void of trust. Trust in yourself. It seems very important that you DO go and visit this person, but for your own reasons. You must go there with no expectations whatsoever. You must go there to enjoy the moment. Each separate moment. The trip can't be about the future. It must be about what you're choosing in each nanosecond. You must get a deeper understanding of the power of focusing on what you want (which we rarely do) versus focusing on what is/what was/what we fear will be. Simply stated in Law of Attraction terms: you get more of what you give your attention to. As logical as it might seem to worry about what reconnecting with this man might "mean," if you focus on that, you'll just get more evidence of ambivalence.
Now, having said, that, you are in a rich time in your life. Everything you plant will grow and blossom. But what are you planting? How many joy seeds have you put out? Or are you planting worry seeds? I see evidence of great desire for a joyful life, but also a great fear that it can't happen. You can't have it both ways. Which are you going to focus on? You must become obsessed with turning your attention toward what you desire.
So, here it is -- plain. If you go there with expectations, the outcome won't be good. If you go with an expectation of one joyful moment after another, no matter what might show up in the outer world, you'll like the experience. I can't even tell you about the fellow because my cards are crossing their arms, and tapping their little feet, demanding that you look within yourself before you try to make sense of relationship issues.
Strangely, there also seems to be some fear around the issue of job/career. What would be it like if you distracted yourself from the fear long enough to imagine what you really want? You seem to have a lot of creative and intuitive abilities. I hope you're thinking of utilizing them.
Keep me posted!
Lynda
I ran across your site today and was amazed at the insight and perception you've shown in your responses to questioning souls, so I decided to ask for your guidance in my situation. Any input you can give would be accepted gratefully with an open mind.
About 19 years ago, I had an incredible relationship with a man whom I was engaged to; it truly was the best and at the same time, the worst, relationship I've ever experienced. I won't go into all the details except to say that we were both immature and on destructive paths at the time. We split up but remained on friendly terms, both of us marrying others and living in different states. Years passed and our lives continued to change, but we have always known where the other was living and the basics of what was happening in our lives.
A few years ago, our paths crossed again and since we were both single, we saw each other a few times, but as we lived 1500 miles apart and both had demanding jobs, we mutually decided that we couldn't devote much time to pursuing a relationship right then but again, remained friendly and contacted each other by phone or email occasionally. Since that time, my life has changed dramatically (in more ways than one) and he was a great encouragement and support to me during some really scary moments in my life. In the past month, we've been in contact almost daily and have been growing closer emotionally again - not just as friends, but in a romantic sense again. He still lives in another state, but closer than he was a few years ago.
Obviously, we have both matured since our original relationship and our circumstances have changed since the last time we saw each other; we've both come to realize the danger of making our jobs our whole lives. He tells me that he hopes I'll have an open mind about a possible relationship with him because we have never really had the chance to explore that in a positive way - in the past, our lifestyles were not conducive to healthy relationships. He's asked me to come visit him, all expenses paid and no strings attached, for an upcoming weekend, and I've agreed.
Lynda, this man is unlike anyone I've ever known before or since; we share common goals, dreams and hopes for the future and similar personalities. Over the past 10 years and a few failed relationships with others, I came to the realization that I've never really allowed myself to be that intimate or "feel" that intensely with any other man. I want to approach this rationally, with an open mind, but cannot deny that there are obviously still a lot of emotions between us - a lot of "water under the bridge", if you will. Do you have any strong feelings about this meeting and/or a possible future with this man? I don't want to shut the door on anything, but I am so tired of making emotional mistakes and wonder if we are just drawn to each other because we've never really had 'closure' in any real sense, or if there is really something there we should explore. Also, do you see anything about future jobs for me? The position I have now is okay, but I've always strongly felt that I'm supposed to be writing (it is a hobby and a passion) but have no clear idea what I should be writing or who my audience is. Thanks for a great site and for taking the time to read and consider my questions.
F.S., Tennessee
Dear F.S.: When I pulled some cards about your wonderful letter, I got an interesting thing (interesting to me, anyway!). This is a two-step (at the very least) situation. Before you can make any of the decisions you asked about above -- whether this is a relationship to be pursued, etc. -- you must courageously leap into the void of trust. Trust in yourself. It seems very important that you DO go and visit this person, but for your own reasons. You must go there with no expectations whatsoever. You must go there to enjoy the moment. Each separate moment. The trip can't be about the future. It must be about what you're choosing in each nanosecond. You must get a deeper understanding of the power of focusing on what you want (which we rarely do) versus focusing on what is/what was/what we fear will be. Simply stated in Law of Attraction terms: you get more of what you give your attention to. As logical as it might seem to worry about what reconnecting with this man might "mean," if you focus on that, you'll just get more evidence of ambivalence.
Now, having said, that, you are in a rich time in your life. Everything you plant will grow and blossom. But what are you planting? How many joy seeds have you put out? Or are you planting worry seeds? I see evidence of great desire for a joyful life, but also a great fear that it can't happen. You can't have it both ways. Which are you going to focus on? You must become obsessed with turning your attention toward what you desire.
So, here it is -- plain. If you go there with expectations, the outcome won't be good. If you go with an expectation of one joyful moment after another, no matter what might show up in the outer world, you'll like the experience. I can't even tell you about the fellow because my cards are crossing their arms, and tapping their little feet, demanding that you look within yourself before you try to make sense of relationship issues.
Strangely, there also seems to be some fear around the issue of job/career. What would be it like if you distracted yourself from the fear long enough to imagine what you really want? You seem to have a lot of creative and intuitive abilities. I hope you're thinking of utilizing them.
Keep me posted!
Lynda
posted by Lynda Hilburn @ 3:48 PM
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