I have a few issues/questions. I am trying hard to break free of my current relationship for several reasons. However, we have kids together, and I can't help but wonder if I am being selfish by not staying with him for the kids (which would make me very miserable as I cannot stand even being around him for longer than a few days; just being in his presence depresses me sometimes). Also, I met a man a couple years ago (without trying to; I even tried to avoid him, but he somehow found a way into my life anyway). Well I think I am in love with this man (and sometimes it feels like I have known him forever), but our situation is so complex that we sort of agreed that maybe it just wasn't meant to be. The last time I talked to him he was in a rocky relationship with his child's mother, but he decided to marry her anyway (I believe it has something to do with his child and the fact that he just enlisted in the military). I know these issues probably just sound like "duh" to you, but they have been heavy on my heart lately. Can you offer any insight or guidance?
No matter which one of the two men you talked about I look at, I get a similar outcome: sadness, negativity and hopelessness. My question to you is, why are you focusing so much on which man? You said almost nothing about yourself (your dreams, hopes, career aspirations, talents, skills, etc.). There is a doorway out of this confusion and unhappiness, but you can only walk through it alone. Now, having said that, the sort of "alone" I'm referring to has nothing to do with whether or not you are physically around other people. It's a state of mind. A choice. Making yourself (as an individual) a higher priority. You'll have to decide if your children's father's presence is beneficial to the kids. If he does a good job loving them, etc., then perhaps you can allow him to do that, and the two of you can create a (perhaps temporary) arrangement to make lemonade out of lemons for your children. Must you live in the same residence to be good parents?
If you have a negative pattern you are recreating, I'd ask you to please consider that nothing good can come from it. All attention isn't good attention. Please keep me posted.