I wonder if you can help me. I'm very frustrated. I met Marc on the internet 3 years ago this Christmas. It started out as a romance, we both know we're soul mates, twin flames, and we understood each other in a way neither of us has been able to find anywhere else. But the romance didn't last long. He got scared and ended it, to this day I'm not even sure why but I went along with it, because he means the world to me. Above and beyond the romance, we both agreed that we needed this friendship. Well, for the last two and a half years we've been struggling with it, struggling to stay friends. You see, he and I are both intuitives, we're both empaths, so along with an uncommon friendship, we also have a bond that frankly scares the both of us at times. I know when he's thinking of me, I know what he's thinking about us, what he's doing while he's thinking it, and when he and I are actively thinking of each other at the same time, it's like he's in the same room with me I feel him so strongly.
So why are we struggling, it should be great, right? That's what I'm hoping you can help me with, help me to understand. Ever since he ended the romance part of our relationship he's held me at arm's length, drawing me in, pushing me away. At first it was hard, for the first year we both struggled to stay away from the romance, we kept drifting back to it. He keeps me in email only. He won't allow me to send him an instant message or call him on the phone every once in a while. It's email only. And he still waffles between loving me and keeping me as strictly a friend. I know it's because he's really confused, and I thought I could handle just being friends, but you see, he sees other women, talks to them on the internet, and then comes to me to tell me about them. We recently had a huge fight over this, because I've told him, fully admitted that maybe I'm not being the best friend to him, but that I'm weak in this respect, that I needed him NOT to tell me about these other women, that it hurts me greatly. But he still continues to do it, and I know he does it simply because he trusts me, I'm the only person he CAN tell this stuff to. But it hurts me. I don't want it to, but it does. I see green every time he does it.
Honestly Lynda, if I didn't know better I'd honestly think he just "wasn't that interested". But he keeps coming back to me. It's the same routine -- we go weeks without speaking until he caves and emails me, and we crash together again, professing our love, and our need for the friendship, and for about a week it's great. And then it starts all over again.
So, I wrote him a long letter last night. I haven't heard from him yet because I asked him not to reply if he only wanted to argue with me, I asked him if he truly didn't want my friendship to love me enough to let me walk away with my held high, that I felt enough of a failure as his friend. But I had to admit to him that maybe my constant jealousy over his girlfriends means that it's time to admit that I'm still in love with him. I just can't handle that he keeps me as strictly an email pen-pal (since the romance ended, he won't even add me to his instant messengers!), that I can't handle hearing him talk about girlfriends anymore. I told him that it's been very obvious to me for a very long time that neither one of us really wants to be just friends, and that maybe that was my cue to go. I told him I loved him and that I wished him all the happiness he deserved (and he does deserve it).
But this morning, I'm doubting everything. I'm just not seeing things very clearly at all; my emotions are entirely too tangled up in this. I wanted him to email me and ask me not to go, to apologize, something, but it never comes, and I don't know why. I'd like to know...will ever move past this push/pull and be close again? Or am I hanging my heart on something that just won't work? I've done it before.
And if it doesn't work, I wonder if you can tell me ... how can I break this empathic bond that we have? Or close him off? My gift is still newly discovered and I haven't figured that out yet, how to keep people out. When I feel his pain over us, it makes my pain unbearable. If this relationship isn't destined to work, how can I close him off so that I no longer feel all of his emotions anymore? Is that even possible??
Either way, I thank you for listening.
Dear J: Bless your sweet heart. I wish I had some happy news for you because I know you really want to hear that this will all work out and he is the mate for you. I probably see this relationship different than you do, since I've witnessed a lot of these over the years. I won't even offer an opinion about whether or not he is your soul mate, etc. (a very misunderstood concept). What I can say is that he is a psychic vampire. I'm sure that isn't what you wanted me to say, but it's still true. A psychic vampire is someone who feeds on the energy/empathy/emotions/fears/confusion of others. Often, a psychic vampire doesn't even know he/she is feeding. They are so emotionally damaged, that toxic relationships (with lots of pretty labels to cover up the unhealthy nature of the connection) are simply normal to them.
This person can't have the kind of relationship you want.
I understand how intense and compelling these kinds of interactions can be. Life without the drama seems empty, so we assume we are "supposed" to be with the person. We "need" the excitement and upheaval the communications provide.
There is nothing healthy here. Even if he contacts you, saying what you want to hear, he'll flip-flop soon, looking for more outlets for his addiction.
How do you sever your connection with this person? Shift your attention. Yes. You'll have to re-shift your attention a thousand times a day until you get used to thinking about healthy things. Turn toward what you desire rather than focusing on this draining non-relationship. There really is a wonderful relationship in your future if you'll turn away from the unhealthy toward the joyful.