Pain from the Past
I have recently learned that my adoptive father sexually abused me before I was five or six years old. This information came through a convoluted source when I went for a reading with a psychic who is very reliable, committed and of high vibration. My father came through saying he wanted to make amends and that I deserved to know what had happened to me, that he had been a very self-absorbed man during his life and had not looked at himself, gave himself permission to be inappropriate with me because I wasn't technically "his," and also that he had been abused himself as a young boy and never had dealt with it. He went on to sexually abuse my niece when she was a young girl and again when she was a teenager, and when she told on him, her mother and grandmother (his wife) did not believe her. My niece went on to experience drug abuse, became anorexic and a cutter until she was in treatment. I went to her with this visitation information because he told me in the reading to do so to validate both myself and her. I did this. She was floored (she's in her twenties now) but released some of her grief and anger I believe. I am trying to do the same.
My question now is this: How do I approach the healing part of this? Is it a matter of time? I have a therapist and also recently an intuitive life coach, and I am working to open my own intuition and do the kind of healing work I feel I was always meant to do. As an astrologer, tarot reader, writer, wife, mother and grandmother, I have gained many people skills and experienced many of life's challenges to my emotional well being beginning life as an adoptee and working through addiction and grief on many levels. This latest one was a shock. While it's freeing to know what really happened with my father, it's also causing me to look back over my childhood with fresh eyes, and it feels sad. I guess I am experiencing all the betrayal and lack of love I sensed was there. Now I have more information than I had before.
I want to know if I am handling this well, if I am giving myself enough time and energy (or lack of it some days...the option of doing nothing at all if that's what I need) to find my way through this knowledge about my family. I am coming up on a holiday visit with my mother and sister (my niece will not be present by choice) and knowing that they are "unaware," although I was told my mother, who is now 90, did know about my abuse and plans to take her denial "to the grave." I feel frightened a bit. At least my inner child feels that way. Both frightened and also angry. My sister was also abused but she doesn't remember it, just like I don't remember it.
Because this information came through an "odd channel" (haha...a little joke: HIM) it seems like others would call it smoke and mirrors and me a weirdo for believing this. But my father's energy was present in that sitting and he identified things about himself, his hobbies, his behaviors, his boat, and his name...which is extremely unique...so I know that this is "real". I'm also grateful that my niece was able to witness the behavior at an older age so I don't have to wonder if he possible could have done these things. He appeared to be a pillar of the community but at home he was someone else altogether.
I sense that he has lightened up himself on the other side and that this contact we had can/will free us both somehow. Do you think I am doing okay so far?
Dear Astro: One of the challenges about exploring situations from the past is that once we open the box, we often find our emotions and reactions can't be easily controlled. Finding ourselves angry with those who didn't protect us from the perpetrator can be unexpected. As with any situation, how the others around the child (or whoever) deal with the issue is more important than the issue itself. What I mean by that is that if a child is harmed and then -- on top of the initial harm -- family members actually blame the child for her own victimization, or they all go into profound denial, then the child is left with very toxic psychic residue. The chained-and-bound elephant in the room that never gets addressed. I believe you're dealing with your feelings about not being protected. Not being sufficiently cherished. I'm glad you're in therapy. Don't be afraid to let your anger out in safe places. Anger (otherwise known as passion or lifeforce) is a powerful agent for healing and change. Anger has lots of secrets in its pocket. It's probably time to shift your attention back to being the chooser of your future. It's better if this doesn't become how you define yourself. I see lots of good things lined up for you. You're doing better than fine.